It's beyond time for someone to lay down some society-wide ground rules for handshakes

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to unload everything that bugged us this week in an all-new edition of The Gripe Report.

This week, we're talking all about social etiquette, and not that stupid nonsense about which fork is for salad.

I'm talking about real social situations that you will find yourself in and how to navigate them.

WAIT... WHO IS ACTUALLY USING HIGHWAY REST STOP BBQ GRILLS?

I usually have more to say in these intros, but I think that was pretty succinct and gets the job done.

Good job, me.

Imagine, if you will, you’ve just gone out for a night with friends. 

Friends you know pretty well, but aren’t super close to.

You have a good time and then say goodbye and walk back to your car, which has been waiting for you in a large parking lot.

But, during your hunt for your very sensible yet rugged 2025 Ford Bronco Sport, you encounter your friend once again.

What do you do?

CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHY DOCTORS INSIST ON WEIGHING US WITH KEYS AND WALLETS IN OUR POCKETS?

Good news: you’ve got a lot of options.

Bad news: they all suck.

Your first option is to make some quip like, "Long time, no see!" They’ll fake laugh, but now you’re that guy.

Another option is to initiate a second farewell sequence, which is awkward as hell, and god forbid you run into each other a third time.

You can also say nothing. I like this idea, but for most people this is going to be the most awkward option of them all.

I think the solution is a mix of a few of these and that’s just a simple head nod. You acknowledge running into the person, but it doesn’t become a "thing."

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Why is this so painful?

It really shouldn’t be, but you do it, and you want to just go home and crawl in bed.

There are a few places I feel like I’m most likely to throw an ill-timed "You too," and the first is at any restaurant.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out to eat and expected the server or person behind the counter to say "Have a good one" or something to that effect, only for them to say something along the lines of "Enjoy your food."

Then you drop a "You too" because you’re caught off-guard, and now you just look like an ass.

The second most common place I do it is with parking attendants. I go to park for a concert or hockey game and they go, "Enjoy the show/game," and I give them the ol’ "You too."

Yes, I’m sure they’ll enjoy standing in this parking garage while I have fun. At least they’re getting paid.

At least this is far worse for the person who says "You too" than it is for the person receiving the you too.

I’m tired of having to read body language, situations, and approach angle to determine whether or not someone is coming at me for a handshake or a dap or one of those handshake hug deals.

My success rate has to be hovering around 60% to 70%, but I think it should be 100% because we live in a society. Everyone needs to help each other out on this and not throw so many curveballs.

We need ground rules for this. Maybe something like handshakes only if at least 50% of people in your vicinity have collared shirts on. That tells you it’s a more formal occasion, and not the time to bro hug like one of the surfers from "Point Break."

I'm not even against everyone wearing some kind of name tag that tells you what they go for.

I think they got this one right in Japan. Bows across the board.

They give out bows there like one of Oprah's favorite things, and the only difference is the break angle of your waist.

Deeper bow means more respect... at least that's what I learned from an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm"...

Whatever it takes to not have to play that weird guessing game all the time.

One of my absolute biggest pet peeves is people who can't stand silence and have to talk on elevators.

I'm not saying you're not allowed to talk on elevators. I'm just saying, I can't stand people who feel compelled to talk for the sake of talking just because they can't stand in silence for a few floors.

I have no issue with silence. I could stand there all day in a group of people, not say a word, and have no problem with it. I don't know if I'm just zen or laid back or a douche or what, but I can go without talking for hours and hours.

Other people? They start crawling out of their skin.

That's how we end up with people just spurting out words for no reason.

I'm talking about stuff like this: the doors close, you're going four floors up, and all you hear for the first two is the humming of the Otis-brand elevator's cable pulling you skyward.

Then someone has to turn to whoever they're traveling with and say, "Lunch was good."

Why?! Just why?

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That could've waited until we were all out of this box being hoisted by rickety cable. You had to say something because you couldn't stand the sound of your inner ear for 27 seconds.

I know that's nitpicky, but I hear this stuff all the time. Even worse is when the people in the elevator with you decide it's a good time to practice their vaudeville act and try to make everyone laugh with quips and schtick.

Or worse, they try to impress everyone by dropping hints about their plans or their job or whatever.

This is part of a bigger issue for me: Not everyone needs to know everything about you all the time. Social media has made this an even bigger problem, and it has bled into the real world.

It's why I hate bumper stickers so much.

I'm just sitting behind you at a red light; I don't need to know what kind of dog you have, where you went to school, what your favorite teams are (or which ones you dislike if you've got Calvin of "Calvin & Hobbes" fame peeing on their logo), and the fact that your kid is on the honor roll.

I feel that way about elevators. The less I know about you, the more I like you.