The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV

As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church’s 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century.

The Onion: Thank you for taking the time to speak today. What has been your most memorable experience since ascending to the papacy?
Pope Leo XIV: The time they wouldn’t let me into St. Peter’s Basilica because I was wearing a wifebeater.

The Onion: Has being American affected your time as pope at all?
Pope Leo XIV: Yes. When people in America say “Hail Mary,” they’re usually talking about football. But here, “Hail Mary” means “happy birthday.”

The Onion: What was the first action you took as pope?
Pope Leo XIV: I released 300 altar boys back into the wild.

The Onion: It must be boring having to go to church so much.
Pope Leo XIV: Yes.

The Onion: Given the season, what lessons do you think believers and nonbelievers should take from the story of Easter?
Pope Leo XIV: Always make sure you know what someone’s planning when they ask you to bring a cross somewhere.

The Onion: What’s your go-to place for hiding Easter eggs?
Pope Leo XIV: I gotta go with under stuff. Not many people think to look under stuff.

The Onion: How was your relationship with your predecessor Pope Francis?
Pope Leo XIV: He always made me the back of our two-person God costume at parties. Wasn’t sorry to see him go.

The Onion: Who is your dream starting five with popes?
Pope Leo XIV: Hoo. Let’s see. I’d go Innocent II as my point guard. John III for my shooting guard. Boniface V as my small forward. Gotta go with Benedict XI at power forward. And it’s a little basic, but I’d put Pius VI in the five spot.

The Onion: Is there ever a scenario in which abortion is justified?
Pope Leo XIV: Jesus fucking Chirst, I thought you’d be asking about my favorite deep-dish place or something.

The Onion: How do you turn regular water into holy water?
Pope Leo XIV: Boil eight hot dogs in it, then let it cool.

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