AI bots are the new Facebook friends and we can have as many as we want… they will all be fake
AROUND a decade ago you would often hear people asking the following question: How many friends have you got?
This wasn’t an enquiry about your social circle, the people you hung out with who would hold your hair back as you offloaded that “one for the road” on to the pavement.
No, it was a game of one-upmanship based on the then wildly popular Facebook.
How many “friends” you had — that is, people who had clicked their mouse once on your request to be connected — was a measure of your worth.
The more you had, the more they might “like” something you had boasted about.
Maybe that morning’s cooked breakfast or something equally fascinating.
Then we all forgot about it, moved to Instagram and eventually just became tired of pretending we were having a good time all the time.
Now Facebook — sorry, Meta — is rebooting the site and giving users a whole raft of “friends” who will be there to cater to your every need.
These people will actually want to interact with you. They will be there for you, giving you advice, caring about you.
And they will all be fake.
Yes, AI bots are the new Facebook friends and we can have as many as we want.
And they will all have their own distinct personalities.
Meta boss Mark Zuckerberg, who ironically could use a personality himself, has already unveiled the first three.
There is Victor, “a motivational coach who encourages you to hit your goals”, who doesn’t sound at all hateable.
There will also be “The Dungeon Master”, who has a kinky moniker but will, in fact, “take you on an old-school text-based adventure”, whatever that is.
And chef Max, who “can take the random assortment of ingredients in your pantry and come up with a delicious recipe”.
Phew, I always lose my head in my pantry, don’t you?
More will be coming soon, including AI versions of stars such as Kendall Jenner and Snoop Dogg, the company has threatened.
Hopefully these new bots will be more useful than Victor et al.
We already have personal trainers and recipe books, after all.
So if you’re struggling for ideas, Zuck — and it sounds like you are — may I suggest the following . . .
SID (they/them): Sid is your one-stop shop for helping you survive in an increasingly complicated world where anything you say could be considered a micro-aggression.
Sid will assist you in all you woke worries, from checking your privilege and choosing the social media virtue signaller-approved terminology to ensuring your microwave dinner is not cultural appropriation. Sid is here to stop you getting cancelled.
GERRY: Gerry is always on hand to offer a positive analysis of your food.
Gerry’s skills include finding your five a day and other health benefits in any combination of cuisines, from the fried breakfast you had a Wetherspoons right through to that dodgy doner you forgot you had at midnight.
How you got goosebumps
One conversation with Gerry and you will be convinced you are a paragon of health.
STEVE: Steve’s encyclopaedic knowledge of sporting trivia will ensure you are never left stumped by a pub conversation again.
Steve will tell you exactly how to describe how you felt watching a historic football/cricket/rugby match you have never seen.
No longer will you be left questioning your masculinity as others reminisce.
You’ll be flawlessly describing how you got goosebumps when Beefy took eight for 34 against Pakistan before you can say “Owzat?!”
SAL: Can conjure up excuses for your behaviour that could convince a grand jury. Sal will provide a full itinerary of verifiable distractions and diversions to explain away any transgression.
Be it a simple late arrival or missed birthday to exactly why you were seen emerging from that disabled toilet 30 seconds after Claire from marketing, Sal has the excuse to shut down any investigation.
Kim’s a screen star
I DON’T like to boast but I slept with Kimberley Garner this week.
The beautiful bikini entrepreneur (!) was at the premiere of confusing AI special-effects odyssey The Creator in London and was lucky enough to be sat next to me.
Yet so exciting was this apocalyptic epic that I nodded off for 20 minutes.
The socialite, however, was wide awake throughout . . . on her phone, looking at pictures of herself arriving at the event!
ENJOY a spot of bingo? Here’s a special-edition card you can print out and play along with at home.
It’s all based on the exciting new HS2 project, coming to a railway station nowhere near you and not very soon.
Because as the row over how pointless this £180BILLION transport turkey is gathers pace, we all know what the real outcome will be.
Whether it launches on time or in 100 years, the day you want to board a train you will be met with one or more of these notices:
- Weekend works
- Bus replacement service
- Severe delays
- Strike
- Leaves on the line
- Wrong kind of rain/snow
- Passenger action
Don’t sniff at taping
BREATHING through your mouth is bad for you. So we learned this week.
It increases the risk of all sorts of hideous things – not least bad breath.
It also ensures you wake up with an arid gob that feels like it’s been veneered with Hobnobs.
So people, including, we discover, Man City soccerbot Erling Haaland, have resorted to mouth-taping – literally taping your lips together to encourage breathing through the nose.
Of course, there is also another plus side to taping the mouth shut.
It stops gobs****s saying things.
So please get on board my crowdfunder to raise enough money to provide tape for the following, who I think we can all agree could use a little “close your mouth time”.
Chuggers, “comedy” train announcers, people who tell you about their run/workout, Man City fans, anyone from Love Island . . .
Oh, and Laurence Fox.
Critics off the Marc
TALKING of blowhards, many were out in force this week slamming footballer Marcus Rashford for the crime of being rich and caring about other people.
The fact he has not one but THREE Rolls-Royces (one now famously in the repair shop) apparently doesn’t sit with his role as an “anti-poverty campaigner”.
What a hypocrite, they sneered, implying, ludicrously, that he should give every penny of his fortune to the poor.
Some are the same voices, no doubt, who defended Rishi Sunak – net worth with his wife: £730million – when he became Britain’s top public servant.
A fair few were also likely the same cretins who think “billionaire” Donald Trump is helping fix society.
And many are definitely those who believe Elon “world’s richest man” Musk is some kind of saintly free speech-saving philanthropist.
Hypocrisy is what others do, though.
Zoos’ rep so unfair
IT’S a good joke: I went to the zoo the other day and they only had one small dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
Boom boom!
But even one dog denied its freedom would be too much for Freya Aspinall, whose parents are conservationist Damian Aspinall and Byker Grove actress Donna Air.
Freya said this week that all zoos should be closed down as they simply force animals in to “permanent lockdown”.
She suggested we might be better off just screening holograms.
It’s easy to yawn and dismiss her thoughts as those of yet another posh eco warrior who just wants to lecture us riff-raff.
And we should.
Most people say they don’t like zoos because they conjure up images of sad, dead-eyed animals walking in aimless circles around a tiny section of “jungle” made of cement.
I used to think that too as I stared through the electrified bars at some wretched primate with Phil Mitchell’s face for an a**e.
But the point of zoos is to house animals that would otherwise be, well, dead.
To study them, try to work out how to save them, and yes, return them to the wild.
London Zoo has already managed this, successfully breeding and reintroducing once- threatened creatures into the wild – such as the partula snail, northern bald ibis and fen raft spider.
No reputable zoo is snatching wild beasts from their natural habitat, locking them in miserable conditions and failing to look after them.
And if they are, then it’s the owners who should be put in permanent lockdown.
ANOTHER day, another supermarket item locked away in a protective box to put off shoplifters.
This week, it was a single protein bar – a £2 snack loved by bodybuilders and other gym bores.
In other words, the kind of people who would be able to rip that box off in no time.