How to respond to an insult at work without losing your job
Today’s work environment is more challenging than ever. With layoffs, the uncertainty that comes from the intrusion of AI, and changing codes of conduct, tempers are bound to flare up. Insults may follow. If you are a recipient of one of the six following insults, here’s how you can best respond.
1. SHOUTING AT YOU
Suppose you are in a meeting and your boss shouts at you, for example: “You didn’t hear me. I said we’d save that discussion for next time.” Don’t answer that rudeness with your own anger. That would only make things worse.
Instead, respond to the substance of his words. You might say “Fine, we’ll postpone the discussion.” The point is to detach yourself from the anger and not escalate a heated exchange.
2. CALLING YOU NAMES
It’s hard not to feel insulted when a boss calls you names or diminishes your work. My first job in the business world was a humbling experience. My boss was a terror who spewed rudeness. When I submitted an assignment, he’d find what he considered a mistake and call me “stupid.” Only once do I remember him complimenting me with “You’ve made it as a speechwriter!”
To compound those problems, one of my colleagues mimicked my boss’s style by also hurling insults at me. That workplace was a nightmare. That same colleague remarked to members of our team in front of me, “She won’t last.” I had just given birth six weeks earlier and was working hard to be both mother and assistant to the SVP.
How did I respond to these insults? I fled to the washroom and cried. That was many decades ago. Today I would advise employees to respond to such insults with more courage and say, “I don’t think that is an appropriate comment,” or, “You hired me and I am doing my best.” Or you could go off, think about it and come back to the offending manager the next day with “I’d like to talk to you about something you said yesterday.” Stand up for yourself without getting angry or defensive.
Incidentally, I did survive that job and acquired an important set of skills. But it was a difficult trial-by-fire.
3. IGNORING YOU
Another kind of insult you might experience is the one where your boss or a speaker ignores you. A speaker may go around the room and ask for input from everyone except you. Don’t jump to conclusions and assume the speaker is targeting you as a person who has nothing worthwhile to say.
Look at the situation positively. Perhaps the others at the meeting have a closer relationship to the project being discussed. Or possibly the speaker already knows where you stand on the project. Or the speaker may have passed over you because they are short of time. Don’t assume the worst. If you have something to add, do so. Put up your hand and say “I have something to add to this discussion.” Even better, get to your point right away with “I have reviewed this proposal and am concerned about our timeframe.” If you don’t have something to contribute, let it go.
4. INTERRUPTING YOU
From time to time a co-worker or a boss may interrupt you mid-sentence. That’s rude behavior, even if in some cases it may reflect the behavior of a person who is keen to share their thoughts or build on yours.
Realize you have the right to finish your thought and proceed to do so. One approach is to keep talking over the other voice. Another response is to say, “I’d like to finish please.” Keep your cool but show that you refuse to succumb to the interruption. Your audience will respect you and give more weight to your words if you don’t allow yourself to be interrupted.
5. HITTING YOU WITH AN EMAIL SLIGHT
There may be times when an email carries an insult, and you won’t want to ignore it. For example, a colleague might write, “As I said in my last email” or “I don’t think you understood my point,” implying that you didn’t pick up on something they wrote.
If you don’t respond to it, you will be tacitly accepting the insult. So, acknowledge that you are aware of what was written and then share your response while keeping your cool. You might say “I understand what you were suggesting in your last email and my response is that you make a good point.”
6. GHOSTING YOU
Everyone has been ghosted at some time or another, whether by someone who has interviewed you for a job or a colleague who has failed to get back to you as promised.
Don’t reply in anger. Instead, wait an appropriate length of time and follow up with a positive message. Say, “I enjoyed our interview and am looking forward to next steps. When can I expect to hear from you?” If it is a colleague who has failed to respond after what you thought was a friendly lunch, write, “It was great getting to know you over lunch, let’s do it again.“ The important thing is to emphasize the positive and suggest a follow-up.