Tig Notaro Says She Is the 'Not Favorite Parent'
If my 6-year-old had her way, she’d choose her dad every time. That’s not to say she never asks for me. She does. But when given the option — bedtime, a scraped knee, a lazy Sunday — she’s picking Daddy. No hesitation. No internal debate. Just a clear, confident preference that, if I’m being honest, has stung from time to time.
There are reasons, I tell myself. My older daughter, now 10, has a packed schedule of soccer, dance, and theater, and I’m usually the one taking her to practices and rehearsals. I’ve become the default parent for that whole ecosystem, which means my younger daughter often stays home with my husband by default. More time together, more bonding — it makes sense.
There’s also temperament. My 6-year-old and her dad are wired similarly. They move through the world the same way, react the same way. They just click. Effortlessly.
So when comedian Tig Notaro admitted that she was the “not favorite parent” for a long stretch of her kids’ lives on the Parent Chat With Dylan Dreyer podcast, it didn’t just feel relatable — it felt like permission to stop pretending this isn’t a thing. “I was definitely the not-favorite parent for a long time,” said Notaro, talking about raising her twin boys with her wife, Stephanie Allynne.
She didn’t dramatize it. Didn’t try to spin it into a bigger narrative about being misunderstood or overlooked. She just said it plainly (while laughing, of course), like it’s something more parents experience than admit out loud.
In Notaro’s case, the dynamic came down, at least in part, to parenting style. She describes herself as more rigid, more structured — while Allynne brought a calmer, more flexible energy to the day-to-day chaos of raising kids. And children, unsurprisingly, tend to gravitate toward the parent who feels easiest in the moment.
It does raise the question a lot of parents may be asking themselves: How common is it for kids to have a “favorite parent,” and should we be worried when they do?
“It’s very common, and from an attachment perspective, it’s actually expected,” says Martina Nova, a therapist with a focus on parenthood based in British Columbia, Canada. “We tend to see it most strongly in the toddler and preschool years, when children are still organizing their sense of safety and learning how to regulate their emotions. Because at that stage, she adds, “kids don’t have the internal capacity to self-regulate yet, so they rely heavily on co-regulation, which means that they seek out the parent whose presence helps their nervous system settle most easily in that moment.”
According to Nova, this can look like a strong preference, especially around sleep, transitions, or distress. “For neurodivergent children or more sensitive kids, this can show up even more intensely or for longer periods of time, because their nervous systems may be more easily overwhelmed or require more specific types of support,” she adds.
So just remember that what looks like “favoritism” might just be a child orienting toward the relationship that feels most regulating, predictable, or attuned to them at that stage.
It’s a subtle but important reframe, right? Kids aren’t necessarily choosing a person. They’re responding to an energy.
Nova also points out that you can’t ignore the impact of gender roles and family dynamics. “In many heteronormative households, there has historically been a split where mothers take on more of the emotional regulation and caregiving, while fathers take on roles that involve play, exploration, or helping the child engage with the world outside the home.”
But now, she adds, “many fathers and non-birthing partners are stepping more into emotional caregiving and attunement, and we are starting to see shifts in these dynamics.”
Should You Be Concerned If You’re Not the Preferred Parent?
Even when you understand it logically, it can still feel personal. It’s hard not to internalize the moment your child reaches for someone else when they’re upset, or asks for the other parent at bedtime. It can feel like rejection, even if it isn’t meant that way.
Nova says you shouldn’t feel rejected if you’re not the preferred parent. “In most cases, it’s completely developmentally normal. Preference is part of how children organize attachment and learn what safety feels like in relationships. Where I would get more curious is if the preference becomes very rigid over time or if one parent is consistently excluded without any repair or reconnection, especially if there are other signs of distress,” she says.
Nova suggests to approach this with curiosity. Ask yourself, what is the child needing, and how can both parents build more opportunities for attunement and co-regulation? “Often, small shifts in presence, predictability, or emotional connection can gently rebalance the dynamic over time,” she explains.
Notaro doesn’t dwell on this either. Plus, her matter-of-fact tone underscores something important: this dynamic isn’t permanent. (So I tell myself.) Like most things in parenting, it shifts. But no, don’t try to force closeness or competition.
If you are hurt, that’s also expected. “This dynamic can tap into really deep emotional layers. A lot of parents don’t just feel annoyed or brushed off, they feel rejected, or like they’re doing something wrong, or like they’re somehow ‘not enough.'” Nova adds. “It can activate older wounds around not feeling chosen, prioritized, or securely attached, especially in moments when you’re already depleted”
Different Preferred Parents for Different Things
There’s also a another perspective here that Notaro touches on throughout her parenting reflections, saying that kids don’t need identical parents. They benefit from different approaches, different energies, different ways of showing up. In her family, that contrast — structured vs. flexible — wasn’t a flaw. It was part of their dynamic and system.
And if I zoom out in my own house, I can see that, too. I may not be my 6-year-old’s first pick right now, but I’m her go-to in other ways. I’m the one she looks to for certain kinds of comfort, certain routines, certain rhythms that are just ours.
Being the “not-favorite parent” doesn’t mean you’re less loved. It doesn’t mean your bond is weaker. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It might just mean, for now, someone else feels more aligned.