Hangover how-to: sex

Do you have sex? Of course not. You go to Northwestern! On campus, I always hear someone complaining about how they have no game, no girls, no play, no love life, no sex. As a result, your trusty Hangover editor has taken on the task of making an introductory guide to this elusive campus activity. I’m an expert in this field because I definitely have sex. Like, a lot. I swear. So. Much. Sex.

What is sex?

In order to procure sex, we need to know what we’re dealing with. Sex is intimate, sex is loving, sex is the binding life force that makes us human. Sex is a life-changing experience. 

Before I became the sex master I am now, I was sad and sullen. There was no hope in life for me because I was not able to feel the rush of endorphins that only the sweet, sweet act of love can provide. 

They say that sex has many positive benefits for your body, like boosting your mood and increasing your health! This doesn’t happen to me anymore, of course, because I’ve simply had sex too many times to notice a difference.

Does size matter?

Some people say size doesn’t matter, but we all know that it definitely helps. Through my extensive research on sex- help forums, I’ve found that a lot of protein powder and daily Bulgarian split squats can add up to three inches in length. (I can attest — I’m up to a whole 3.2!)

Consent

Always make sure that your partner gives an enthusiastic yes for consent. To be certain my partner knows that I REALLY want to have sex, I do an interpretive dance, just like how the birds do it in the real world. The last girl I had over in my Plex single said she had to go catch the train when I pulled out the consent macarena, but she said she’d definitely be back for more after her study abroad in the USSR (That’s still a place, right…?).

Finding a hookup

Ah, the age-old question. Picture this: Someone in your Math 220-1 discussion catches your eye. Maybe they leave too quickly for you to talk to them after class, maybe you’re scared they’re way out of your league, maybe you can never catch them alone because that other guy, Trevor, always has some new YouTube short to show them. 

Well, never fear, that’s what the student email list on Canvas is for! My suggestion is always a Google Calendar invite. It’s perfectly subtle yet gets you straight to the point. 

Here’s a list of some of my most successful subject lines if you ever need inspiration:

• Live Anatomy Demonstration @ Plex
• Weekly Check-In(side of you)
• URGENT: Sexual Health Training 
• PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Navigating dating apps

Sometimes, when your GCal invite gets denied or all the girls from your Math 220-1 discussion have blocked your email, you need to resort to everyone’s favorite: dating apps. 

To match with as many people as possible, I recommend setting your first picture as a large group photo with all of your most attractive friends. That way, you cover a broad range of types a potential match might be interested in. Worried about coming off as a catfish? Never fear. Just sweet-talk your way into their DMs with some charming ChatGPT pick-up lines. 

Ask about their day, tell them they look beautiful or mention you have a Plex single and are ALWAYS looking for more study buddies ;))))))))))))))))))))))).

Matches aren’t responding? Nothing to worry about! Use the power of the internet to reverse image search their photos and find their Instagram or LinkedIn. Then, send them a personal reminder to check their Hinge likes! This never fails to get a reaction — whether it’s a date or a restraining order, at least they’re thinking about you! And that’s all we need to work with.