Animal Farm Is Not for Kids but They Made It a Kids’ Movie Anyway

Hurry! Get up on your two legs (good) or four legs (better) and walk down to your local cineplex, where George Orwell’s Animal Farm has been made into an animated family adventure that critics are describing as “geared to younger children for inexplicable reasons.” If you have ever wanted to see Animal Farm, but where Napoleon the pig keeps calling himself “Napopo” and the story concludes with a big climactic fight sequence on top of the All Animals Are Equal sign (picture dialogue like “Napoleon! What you did at the animal farm was wrong!”), you are in luck.

I can only hope that this movie will be a huge success, because I think there are many more animated children’s films to be made based on dystopian source material—now including fart jokes. Please consider the following (producers, you’re welcome!):

Andy Serkis’s Of Mice and Men: We saw there were mice in the title and asked no further questions! Kids love mice. I also saw a mention of rabbits. This can be rated PG, probably.

Andy Serkis’s Kafka’s The Metamorphosis: Two legs good, four legs better, six legs … best! Gregor Samsa goes from corporate drone to literal drone in this misunderstanding of The Metamorphosis from the studio that brought you a misunderstanding of Animal Farm! Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Gregor Samsa flew into an old lady’s hair while she was driving? What if he visited a roach motel because he thought it was really a motel? This is a hilarious, gross-out comedy in which Gregor Samsa turns into a bug and goes on wacky adventures. Even better, his boss still wants him to come to work! This Christmas, transform! This Christmas, see the world through new eyes … compound ones!

Andy Serkis’s A Doll’s House: Nora discovers that, actually, she’s a doll, living in a doll’s house! Cool! Fun! Think of the accessories! Barbie was a big hit, and we see no reason why Mattel wouldn’t want to follow up on that success.

Andy Serkis’s The Communist Manifesto: What if this were a coming-of-age story?

Andy Serkis’s The Master and Margarita: We saw that there was a big talking cat, and that was all we needed to hear! Basically Garfield, we hope.

Andy Serkis’s Milton’s Paradise Lost: Hey, a talking snake! We would get rid of the nudity.

Andy Serkis’s Maus: Talking mice? Great. Talking mice and cats? Even better! Does so much of it have to be set in Europe in the past, though? Let’s move it to the present day so kids can relate!

Andy Serkis’s The Yellow Wallpaper: What if you were trapped in your room with nothing but your yellow wallpaper for company … and it turned out that there was a whole wacky world inside that yellow wallpaper? This sounds like Narnia in terms of franchise potential! A whole magical world you can enter from the comfort of your own room, if you just know where to look! Think of the tie-in popcorn bucket (it would be yellow, like the wallpaper).

Andy Serkis’s Lord of the Flies: Kids? On an island by themselves with no grown-ups? Sounds family-oriented to me! I’m seeing a lot about pigs in this. And one of them talks, I think. This summer, don’t forget your glasses … your 3-D glasses, that is. Piggy has the conch!

Andy Serkis’s The Grapes of Wrath: Angry grapes! Like Veggie Tales! We’re hooked.

Andy Serkis’s Ethan Frome: We could sell sleds to go with this.

Andy Serkis’s Waiting for Godot: What if the real Godot was the friends we made along the way? This Christmas, stop waiting for Godot, and start living for Godot! Get excited for the fight scene.

Andy Serkis’s Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle: Remember the animated hit Sausage Party (2016)? No? Well, never mind. This would be like that, we assume. But PG.

Also, stay tuned for Andy Serkis’s Watership Up.