Dear Abby: Three's a crowd when unexpected visit drags on
DEAR ABBY: My partner recently allowed a friend to stay in our home without telling me in advance. My partner knows unannounced guests deeply affect my mental well-being and sense of safety. We had agreed I would be given at least two weeks' notice for any visitors. That did not happen because the guest was going through a difficult time.
While I have compassion and tried my best to be flexible, I also recognize that our home is not a healing center or a place to bring chaos. What I was told would be a short stay turned into an open-ended one, and my peace was severely disrupted. Shared spaces were left messy, personal belongings spread throughout the house, decor rearranged and boundaries ignored. The guest even began moving items from a van into our home!
When we all tried to calmly discuss a departure, the guest talked over me, attempted to analyze me and wanted us to work around their schedule rather than respect our home and needs. When they suggested staying in the van outside and coming inside only at certain times, I finally said, "I want our home back," and made it clear that this arrangement would not work for me.
What hurts me most is feeling unsupported by my partner. This situation has created tension, and I'm left wondering how we can repair the damage and restore peace in our relationship and, more important, our home. — HOME INVASION IN COLORADO
DEAR HOME INVASION: I understand why you justifiably felt invaded. You and your partner view your home differently. You need quiet and solitude, while your partner is more outgoing. The relationship is repairable if you can talk and reestablish your basic ground rules. Can you do that to the satisfaction of both of you? If this was a one-time thing, let it go. However, if it happens regularly, you may need to rethink the relationship and make different living arrangements.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship with my daughter's father for 11 years. From the beginning, he lied, manipulated and cheated. My family was aware of it. When I finally had had enough and left, my family decided to maintain a relationship with him (dinners, parties, camping, holidays). He is not a good person. I poured my heart out to let them know how badly what they were doing was hurting me.
That was six years ago, and they are all still going strong. My family and I have not spoken in five years. My heart is broken. It can never be repaired; the damage is done. I no longer want a relationship with them. My heart still hurts, and I don't know how to get beyond that pain. Can you help? — SUFFERING IN NEW YORK
DEAR SUFFERING: I am sorry for the pain you continue to experience because of your shattered family. I wish I could make it dissipate, but the person you need to consult (and by this, I mean talk to) would be a licensed psychotherapist. While your pain may not disappear overnight, it may lessen considerably if you do.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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