I moved from India to Canada for love. I felt like a trailing spouse, but 3 steps helped me rebuild my identity.

• After moving to Canada to study and be with her boyfriend, Vaishali Gauba started to feel lost.
• She had to rebuild her professional identity to feel less like a "trailing spouse."
• Gauba now feels like she has a fulfilling career, while being physically present with her partner.

I'd known my boyfriend for 14 years, but I felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of reuniting with him after a year of long-distance dating.

We met in India at Montessori school and got together at the age of 13. In February 2021, he moved to Canada for his MBA. I decided to join him in August 2022, and a few months later, we were married and thrilled to be starting a life together in Toronto, both of us age 28.

Clouded by excitement, I didn't fully comprehend the challenges that come with moving for love.

After leaving my family and friends behind and recalibrating my career, having built up five years of professional experience in India, I began to feel a loss of identity. I saw myself as the "trailing spouse" — adjusting my career and location for my partner — and even resented him for those adjustments at times.

It took a while, but after living in Canada for 3½ years, I can confidently say I've rebuilt my professional and personal identity in a new country. These were the three steps that helped me do it.

First, I built my professional identity in Canada as an entrepreneur

Before moving to Canada, I'd spent two years working as a self-employed public relations consultant in India. I came to Canada on a student visa, pursuing a master's in digital media at Toronto Metropolitan University. I'd been wanting to do further studies for a while, and options in Canada made sense since my boyfriend was already there.

While I was still studying, I landed a Toronto-based communications job, but after starting it in 2023, I realized it felt misaligned with my identity and goals. I'd already worked for myself in India, so autonomy and flexibility were vital to me. That said, the idea of working for myself in a new country was daunting. I had no knowledge about how to reach out to potential clients, build a network, or even file my taxes.

After only three months in my job, I began trying to land some of my own clients in PR, so I'd have more flexibility than a full-time job offered.

This was around the same time I received my Canadian permanent residency. The stability of this new status made starting a business feel more straightforward. After researching federal and provincial business laws and consulting an accountant, I officially launched my boutique PR agency and consulting business, Vaishali Gauba Media.

Although being an entrepreneur comes with countless challenges, from understanding finances to dealing with self-doubt, it's allowed me to harness a professional identity that feels true to myself and that I'm proud of.

Had I gone down a traditional 9-to-5 path and not made this career move, I think I would've held my husband responsible for me having to give up my more flexible self-employed status in India.

I actively pursued my creative and social interests

My husband and I have different interests. I enjoy reading, meeting new people, and writing, while he prefers to play sports and read about history. When I moved to Canada, the friends he made on his MBA course quickly became my friends, and while this felt easy, I couldn't make time for hobbies that enriched me.

After roughly a year in Canada, I actively sought out activities and clubs that stimulated me intellectually and socially. I joined a book club and a gardening community, and also made new friends at strength training and yoga classes.

These communities allowed me to have my own social life independent of my husband and his friends, which furthered my sense of personal identity. I felt more enriched when I could connect with others with similar interests, and it also felt more like I was carving my own path, rather than trailing behind my partner.

My husband and I establish a middle ground wherever possible

As an entrepreneur, my professional life and routine is quite flexible, whereas my husband's job is more structured. Early on in our marriage, we accepted that we'd likely decide where to live based on where his career took him.

I've grown to love my life in Canada, but I also really love to travel, and at one point, I worried I'd miss out on it after following him to a new country. I prefer doing longer workcations, spanning a few weeks, as they help me manage my work schedule while also thoroughly exploring new cultures. But my husband doesn't always have that liberty. I opened up to him about how important travel was to me, and after a few discussions, we decided to find a middle ground wherever possible.

At the end of last year, my husband was able to work remotely for two weeks, and we spent that time in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, away from the brutal Canadian winter. When he can't join me on trips, particularly to visit our families in India, I travel alone. In 2024, I also took a solo trip to Vietnam for three weeks. Doing things independently helps me feel that my identity and decisions aren't always defined by my husband's career or schedule.

Unlike me, my husband enjoys shorter vacations and utilizing long weekends, which I can usually do because of my flexible work schedule. Openly communicating our preferences while having an adaptable mindset has allowed us both to enjoy what we like without feeling resentful.

Moving for love has been an empowering experience

Although my confidence and identity were in flux when I first moved to Canada, building a business, seeking social and creative experiences, and having clear communication with my partner about my preferences have been key to a fulfilling journey.

Being a "trailing spouse" bothered me at first, but over time, I've realized it has been an empowering choice, allowing me to pave a path to a meaningful career while also being physically present with my partner.