A Ballroom Would Have Solved This

I join my voice to those of Donald J. Trump, Lindsey Graham, John Fetterman, and all the others calling for a secure White House ballroom now. Never mind that the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, held in the Washington Hilton, is not hosted by the White House, so if a White House ballroom did exist, it would have altered nothing about Saturday night’s events. How dare you say such an unpatriotic thing at a time when we most need unity? Unity and a ballroom, the sooner the better! If you look closely enough, every event, not just now but also throughout history, is proof that we need a secure White House ballroom.

The Eruption of Mount Vesuvius, 79 C.E.: Had they been in a ballroom-bunker combo attached to the White House, the ancient Pompeiians might be alive today. The White House is nowhere near Mount Vesuvius.

The Donner Party: Had the Donner Party been in a nice ballroom, perhaps even one with a bunker attached, things would have gone very differently. First, a ballroom is a climate-controlled environment. Second, it would have been difficult—indeed, impossible—to lug the ballroom through any sort of mountain pass as winter neared. Third, when the food ran out, they would have had access to canapés and other ballroom-associated snacks.

The Battle of Gettysburg: There were more than 160,000 troops engaged in the Battle of Gettysburg, primarily infantry, although some cavalry were involved, especially General John Buford’s two Union cavalry brigades, which played a pivotal role securing the high ground. This simply could not have happened in a White House ballroom. There would have been nowhere to put the horses.

The Extinction of the Dodo: This bird’s sad fate is exactly why the president needs a ballroom. Without the protection and camouflage provided by a ballroom, he lacks a secure location in which to lay his eggs, and his defenseless, trusting young will be eaten by sailors.

The Disappearance of Amelia Earhart’s Plane Over the Pacific Somewhere: This would not have happened in a ballroom.

The Death of Captain Lawrence Oates During Captain Robert Falcon Scott’s Expedition to the South Pole, Wherein Oates Left the Tent After Saying, “I Am Just Going Outside and May Be Some Time”: This would not have happened in a ballroom attached to the White House, unless the expedition had gotten extremely lost.

The British Burn the White House During the War of 1812: A ballroom couldn’t have hurt!

Pearl Harbor: The overwhelming lesson of “a date which will live in infamy” was that the fleet would have been safe had it only been securely tucked in a ballroom-bunker hybrid. Although said ballroom-bunker would have had to be pretty tall and wide to accommodate the ship turrets. Maybe the president’s ballroom should be even bigger, to prevent future Pearl Harbors.

That Time a Rabbit Swam Threateningly in the Direction of Jimmy Carter’s Boat and Made Him a Laughingstock for Weeks: There is no way a rabbit, menacing or otherwise, aquatic or non-, gets anywhere near the president in his customized, secure White House ballroom. A ballroom is key not only for a president’s safety but also for his dignity and peace of mind.

The Stock-Market Crash of 1929: If there had only been an enormous ballroom attached to the stock market, it would not have crashed or would, at least, have crashed much more slowly.

The Titanic: The designers of the Titanic made one big mistake. The “unsinkable” Titanic included a ballroom, but that ballroom was not attached to the East Wing of the White House. Instead, it was in a big boat in the middle of the ocean. That left it vulnerable. Ballrooms are the safest place in the world, but only if you know what you’re doing.

The French Revolution: I have to think a larger, more secure ballroom would have prevented this.