William Tecumseh Sherman Demands a Ballroom

“This is why we have to have all the attributes of what we’re planning at the White House. It’s a larger room, it’s drone-proof and bullet-proof glass. That’s why the Secret Service, the military, are demanding it. They’ve wanted the ballroom for one hundred and fifty years.” — Donald Trump, April 25, 2026, after an assassination attempt against him at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

April 26, 1876

Dear President Rutherford B. Hayes,

As you know, I have seen some shit. Bull Run was no picnic, and Atlanta was no backyard bonfire. Which means I know of what I speak. Nothing like watching thousands of young men get blown to bits in a single afternoon to help you figure out your priorities.

And while I bear the middle name of the great Shawnee chieftain, even as we are “relocating” all our native friends from the Black Hills (I mean, all that gold must be ours), I’m sure Chief T would agree that our nation has always put a select few’s safety ahead of sanity.

Therefore, Sir, it is my well-considered opinion, based on many years of military experience, that what these United States need most at this moment in time is a bullet and cannonball-proof ballroom. Gilded. I demand it.

And even though this country is currently experiencing the utter collapse of Reconstruction and a devastating return to all that antebellum fuckery, there is a pressing need for a secure place for our wealthiest citizens to celebrate just what their money has bought them: a president and a golden dance hall made with structural steel, earthen berms, and reinforced concrete.

One can’t waltz in peace knowing a kid with a howitzer, enraged by the recent election results, could blast a hole through the lime plaster and lath (those disputed electoral votes had your name all over them). Perhaps it could have a well-fortified cellar as well, a safe haven for yourself and your cabinet should some future fanatic possess a weapon of more massive destruction.

What better way to celebrate the hundredth anniversary of the founding of this country than by spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a gilt-glossed great hall for gavottes that only the .00001 percent will ever enjoy?

War is hell. But a glittering bomb-proof juke joint will feel like a little bit of heaven. And it will be a great place to hide if you happen to start another one.

Your most humble and obedient servant, even though, as I said, I am demanding this.

William Tecumseh Sherman
Commanding General of the United States Army