Climate Change Scientists Set a Date for the Arrival of Hell on Earth: the Year 2085
I was worried and irritable. I’m so used to the press announcing the end of the world every day that when I open the newspapers and don’t see any apocalyptic predictions, I feel uneasy. We’ve learned to live with death at our heels, and now they can’t just tell us everything is fine. It’s like reading the major international media — almost all of them progressive — and suddenly coming across an article saying Trump has done something right. That throws you off and makes you uncomfortable. It feels like a secret warning that something terrible is about to happen.
Luckily, after three or four days of inexplicable calm, today I found in the New York Post the scare-you-to-death story of the day, one to calm my anxiety: one-third of all life on Earth will be endangered by fires, floods, and extreme weather events in the next 60 years. As for the remaining two-thirds, they’ll live a miserable existence, constantly thinking they could fall victim to fires, floods, and extreme weather events. I love it. I already feel much better.
The source is a new report in the journal Nature Ecology and Evolution, with predictions for the year 2085. The study’s author says we are underestimating the consequences of climate change, and I applaud her originality. Writing an apocalyptic report to scare politicians — now there’s something no one had thought of before. It occurs to me that the next step could be to multiply green taxes across the West, force people to drink coffee through soggy cardboard straws, and buy more electric grinders and cars from the Chinese communists. That usually lowers the planet’s temperature immediately.
The EU is discussing a novel formula to mitigate climate change and, at the same time, solve the problems caused by its own energy incompetence: forcing everyone to work from home one day a week. The EU is like that idiot surgeon who makes a mistake, cuts off your perfectly healthy arm, then replaces it with a tennis racket to fix his blunder, and then asks you to congratulate him on his brilliant performance.
Another quite effective option for averting the 2085 climate cataclysm would be to commission a new documentary from Al Gore and ask him to try to sink three or four polar bears into the sea. And if what we want is for the Earth to cool down in 15 minutes, we should talk to Greta Thunberg about organizing a Climate Flotilla. A route from any poor African country to luxurious New York could go viral and immediately stop the threat. In New York, Greta could be received by Mamdani for a few photos and to spout some nonsense to the press, and the mayor would present her with the city’s new official emblem: the highly coveted Gold-and-Diamond Burka.
If none of this works, my proposal is to organize a World Climate Summit somewhere remote, most likely in Germany. All the important Western leaders should gather there to contribute money, and all the important leaders from India, China, and suitably communist Third World countries should come to take it. That has never failed. There are scientific studies, I imagine some have been published in Nature, that show that every time 20 or more of the world’s most polluting private jets land at a climate summit, the planet’s temperature hits record lows.
On another note, I’ve been doing my own calculations about my situation in 2085. If my math is correct, I’ll be 104 years old, I’ll have forgotten even my mother’s name, I’ll be hauling what’s left of my liver around in a wheelbarrow, absolutely no one will be interested in anything I write, I’ll still be taxed like a pig, and I reckon I’ll have racked up 30 consecutive years of sexual impotence. So the best thing that could happen to me is to burn in a fire, drown in a flood, and be struck by lightning. But all at the same time. And quickly. Thanks for the hope.
READ MORE by Itxu Diaz:
The New York Times’s Resident Catastrophist Delivers Another Subscription to the End of the World
The Adventure of Suddenly Pulling the Handbrake
Why We Should Give to God What Is God’s, and to Caesar What Is Caesar’s