Our Military Is SICK AF, Bro
“The Pentagon will no longer require members of the U.S. military to get the flu vaccine, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said on Tuesday.” —Reuters
We are warriors who fight for freedom, and that fight begins at the CVS MinuteClinic. No more mandatory flu shots for service members. No more state-mandated infractions against bodily autonomy. You hear me? Now, drop and give me twenty.
We’re bringing back the military to the OG hardcore-ness the Founding Fathers experienced: fighting during an outbreak of smallpox. Yes, George Washington inoculated his army, but what if he hadn’t? That’s what we’re about to find out. American progress is all about making discoveries like that. Heroes are born by walking the paths of the scientifically unknown and medically unadvised.
Our service members are PATRIOTS, and they’re SICK as DOGS.
You might think a soldier with an active case of influenza wouldn’t be very useful in a stealth operation, but you’d be DEAD wrong. We’ll place a BRAVE individual with a NASTY post-nasal drip in enemy territory to stand there and sniffle until the enemy becomes so agitated by the constant throat clearing that they reveal themselves and surrender. That’s how wars are won, by hacking and wheezing away at the enemy’s defenses.
We all saw how intimidating RFK Jr. looks when he works out, and that titan of a man sure as HELL isn’t getting flu shots.
The full-body tremors will help our soldiers’ trigger finger reflexes. We want twitchy, masculine Pulp Fiction fingers on those guns. Plus, they won’t even mind the stench of clogged toilets on our warships because they will have permanently lost their sense of smell.
They won’t teach you this at a fancy-schmancy liberal-elite arts college, but only the hardest of hardcore soldiers can run a mile with sub-60 percent lung capacity. In fact, most of our recruits will be coughing so hard, they won’t even need to do crunches. Coughing gives you abs. I learned this on a Twitch livestream.
Studies have shown that individuals under the influence of NyQuil and eight hundred milligrams of caffeine are just as able to hold a rifle as individuals under the influence of gin and eight hundred milligrams of caffeine—trust me, I’ve checked. You don’t need a SHOT to shoot shit, unless it’s a shot of navy-strength (obviously, I’m talking about the gin standard.) Besides, the flu isn’t all that different from a bad hangover, and I go to work with one of those every day. MAN UP.
We’re more than prepared to handle a few to several thousand soldiers with flu symptoms. All those tissues from stuffy noses? They’re getting chucked in a burn pit. All those DRIPPING WET pajamas from fever-induced night sweats? Also going in the burn pit.
Now’s a good time to buy some stock in Halls.
We’ll send our soldiers experiencing chills to tropical combat zones (the Caribbean, Cuba, Walt Disney World, etc.) and our soldiers experiencing fevers to Greenland. We’ll save so much money on heating and cooling the barracks. You’re welcome, taxpayers. We’ll also save money on food rations if our soldiers are only eating broth, saltines, and bananas. The liberal media wackos got really mad about all the steak and lobster, so they should be cheering for this change.
Think of all the brave soldiers who are too scared to get an annual flu shot that will be lining up to join our EPIC ranks. We need more tough, all-American fighters with hearts of lions and tigers who haven’t been to the doctor since their parents stopped making them go.
Make no mistake, our military is much more lethal than the flu. Brave boys don’t GET SICK, and brave women don’t make BEING SICK someone else’s problem. The warrior ethos involves a lot of white-knuckling and other general whiteness.
Lastly, and totally unrelated, but a lingering head cold is now a valid reason for anyone related to the president to dodge the draft.