No. 2 Stanford Social-Climbing team bests No. 11 Brown

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

After a drawn-out competition last Saturday, the Cardinal’s Social-Climbing team defeated Brown University’s Nosers to secure a first-place finish in the 101st annual Jay Gatsby Memorial Bowl.

“I’m delighted to have had a firsthand opportunity to optimize our team’s workflow during this regional competition,” said Hievel Utin ‘27, the first-place winner of the competition Coffee Chat event. “This serves as a testament to my transformative role as a pivotal team member with Stanford’s Climbers.”

In the sport, players race to climb social structures faster than their opponents, applying moves and techniques to ingratiate themselves to other people in a variety of settings. Different events have goals that require different skill sets. For example, the Sellout Shuffle requires participants to be incredibly agile and quick on their feet, adapting to the opinions of their interviewer on a whim, while the Corporate Ladder Straddler requires intense endurance as contestants undertake truly demeaning corporate roles. 

“I know all the gimmicks, Jenny. The Walk-and-Talk, the Elevator Pitch… I mastered the Name Drop a while ago,” said Enzo Fourable ‘29. “My mentor – Elizabeth Holmes – taught me her techniques during my summer internship at her startup.”

Speaking about the Cardinal victory, Coach Benjamin Slick ‘85 said, “It’s no surprise we won. My guys are at the top of their game. Rick Singer himself recommended most of them to me.”

Coach Slick did not comment on the ongoing NCAA investigation into the Stanford Social-Climbing Team’s use of performance enhancers like LinkedIn Premium and powdered cocaine. Utin pointed out the standards are less rigorous due to the scrappy, superficial nature of the game.

“Now it’s not an Olympic sport per se, but I try to meet a lot of Olympic athletes,” Utin clarified.

Stanford’s Social Climbers are theoretically active in Greek life, pre-professional clubs, consulting and startup development. Members of the team report that not only their sport but also their lives revolve around honing the craft of kissing up and bowing down. We spoke with some of the Social Climbers to learn more.

“Well, Jenny, It’s difficult to keep a network-life balance,” said Fourable. “Jenny, if I lock eyes with someone for too long, their pupils start to look like a Linkedin QR Code.” Fourable later explained that repeating someone’s name in a conversation with them forms a positive rapport.

“I was the 2022 champion at the World Series of Poser,” said Will Crouthers. “Now, I’m not currently on the team, but I think I’m connecting with them.” 

Sources tell the Daily that Will has not curried favor with the Social-Climbing team. 

“He’s the shallowest guy, Jenny. I don’t even know who let him into the building,” said Fourable.

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