Taki’s Worst President

During a very gay—in the old-fashioned meaning of the word—and drunken evening in Gstaad very long ago, William F. Buckley asked me whom I considered the worst American president. Bill had a habit of turning dinner conversations into debates, and we all were grateful for this habit of his, since apres-ski dinners more often than not involved pretty young things that were known to confuse Rambo with Rimbaud. 

I did not have to think long. By far Woodrow Wilson, I exclaimed, and Bill raised that eyebrow of his and almost burst out laughing. “Do explain, Taaakhi,” ordered Bill with his best devilish smile. That was an easy one: “By taking America to war in 1917, and winning that conflict for the allies, Wilson eventually caused the death of millions by opening the door to communism and Nazism, the abolition of three very old and traditional monarchies, and ensured a second round after the Congress of Versailles.”  My proclamation was greeted by loud guffaws from the 15-strong dinner party. A tiny voice from a tiny person who was staying at my chalet agreed with me, to more abuse from our dinner partners. The voice was Willy von Raab’s, commissioner of customs under Ronald Reagan for eight years, an amateur historian whom Bill Buckley had labeled “the mean one.” (Willy put drug dealers and other baddies in jail without trial and kept them there until judges freed them for reasons unknown.) P.J. O’Rourke and I were the two speakers at Willy’s funeral, and we turned the tears to laughter in no time.

When the horrible Princeton prof became the 28th  president, he used his office to drag the nation into a European war, jailing opponents and arm-twisting the boys to Europe in 1917.  The bloodiest conflict in European history, however, was literally at its end. Both sides were exhausted and there were non-stop talks behind the scenes for a permanent ceasefire. The French army had fought bravely defending their native fields, but having been led by chateau-living, champagne-swilling generals who cared little about casualties, they had revolted and had only recently agreed to fight again. The Brits had sent everyone over the wire time and again, losing their few poets and most of their upper-class men, but even their bloodthirsty leadership was ready to throw in the towel. The Germans were also at the end of their tether. My grandfather told me that there was not a single noble family in Germany that had not lost a son or more. (And as everyone knows, most Germans are noble, barons at least, despite what Hollywood wants us to believe.) 

Wilson was a good administrator at Princeton, but once in DC he was known as an ingrate and a liar. He saw the Great War as a struggle between the forces of democracy and those of reaction and militarism. Like a modern day Jared Kushner (more about that bum next week), Wilson was in way over his head. A Virginian, Wilson hero-worshipped Abraham Lincoln, not Robert E. Lee. Two million American soldiers eventually went to France, although many of them did not see action right away. Still, just as the warring parties were about to sit down and talk, Pershing’s boys swept in like a tornado turning the Brits and the Frogs into lions. The Ludendorff- Hindenburg German offensive failed as Yankee farm boys fought and won for the ungrateful Anglo-French. After more deaths and destruction the horror ended when Germany surrendered 50 miles away from Paris. Some surrender. 

So, why is Wilson such a monster, according to the greatest Greek writer since Homer? That’s an easy one. Just think what happened afterwards the so-called German defeat brought on by the arrival of 2 million fresh American troops. Communism would not have taken hold in Russia, leading to 50 million dead, had Germany not needed to bring tens of divisions westward to counter the Yanks. The kaiser would have interfered and saved the tsar, whom the British disgracefully allowed to be murdered along with his innocent family by the bloodthirsty Reds. Hitler would have died an unknown rabble-rouser and another 50-some millions would have been spared had the kaiser kept his throne. The saintly and very capable emperor of Austria-Hungary, Karl, would have remained in power, and his son Otto would have been a successful inheritor. Austria at present is known as a democracy, but the person who came in first in the last election is not even in government. Such are the joys of EU politics, run and ruled by unelected bureaucrats. 

At present, powerless figureheads like the reigning postage-stamp monarchs of Britain, Holland, the Scandinavian countries, Belgium, and Spain do no harm—except for the man who will be visiting sometime next week, Charles of Britain. I’ve met this rude man who bends over backwards to charm Muslims, leftists, and anti-whites. He is Europe’s richest monarch, spoilt and greedy, and leans to the left, thinking it will help him stay on the throne. From the Brits, born to bow their heads, he has nothing to worry about. The rest of the European royals, many of them I know quite well, are certainly better for their countries than the corrupt politicians and Brussels bureaucrats who rule the old continent. 

Still, had Wilson stayed where he belonged, the old continent would be in a far, far better place than it is at present. Starting with Russia, where Nicolai Romanov—a good friend who died not long ago—would have made all the necessary changes and none of the disastrous mistakes of Vlad. Incidentally, my argument did not convince anyone but my friend Willy back in Gstaad, but the sweet young things never noticed. 

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