Fisher-Price Is Pivoting to AI-Powered Autonomous Weapons Manufacturing

“After agreeing to sell all its assets last month for less than 1 percent of its previous $4 billion valuation, the shoe company Allbirds announced on Wednesday that it would ‘pivot its business’ to artificial intelligence.” — New York Times

We at Fisher-Price have always believed in the power of imagination. In discovery. In the joy of a child pressing a button and hearing a satisfying sound. Today, we are proud to announce that we are taking that same spirit of wonder and pointing it at our geo-political adversaries.

Effective immediately, Fisher-Price will exit the “child development toy” vertical and re-emerge as Mattel·igence AI Defense Systems, a fully integrated autonomous weapons manufacturer focused on AI-enabled lethality solutions for the modern battlefield.

Our stock is up 4,000 percent.

We know you have questions—we have answers:

Q: What happened to the toys?
The toys and related IP have been sold to American Exchange Group, which specializes in asset-mining brands that used to mean something. AEG is proud to announce that the Chatter Telephone will remain in production, and that every hope, dream, and whispered secret a child has ever shared with it will now be stored, indexed, and monetized at a time and in a manner we are not yet at liberty to disclose, but which our board describes as “extraordinarily promising.”

Q: Why the pivot?
As a company founded in 1930 on the principles of “safety, durability, and play value,” we felt the logical next step was autonomous kill drones. The market has spoken. We are legally obligated to listen to the market. Also, sustainable toy manufacturing was never really a key consideration for most defense contractors.

Q: What products are you developing?
We are thrilled to introduce the first wave of Mattel·igence AI Defense product line:

• Little People Killbots. Fisher-Price’s beloved Little People are being reimagined as fully autonomous microscale combat units. Same iconic silhouette. Now equipped with infrared targeting, proximity detonation, and a smile that has been clinically shown to reduce enemy hesitation by 4.7 seconds. They were always the right size. We just finally figured out for what.
• The Busy Ball Popper ICBM. It pops. It whirrs. It achieves Mach 5. Same satisfying pop! sound—only now with an enhanced payload capacity.
• The Rock-a-Stack Targeting System. Stack the rings. Acquire the target. Rock the payload.
• Laugh & Learn Autonomous Strike Platform. "A is for Acquire! B is for Breach. C is for Can’t stop it once it’s deployed.
• The See ’N Say Friend or Foe Threat Classifier. “The cow says: HOSTILE. The duck says: NEUTRALIZED. The sheep says: COORDINATES CONFIRMED. The horse says: REDACTED.”

Q: What happens to your commitment to child safety?
Fisher-Price has, for nearly a century, ensured that no toy contained a small part that could be swallowed by a child under three years of age. We are pleased to report that our autonomous weapons systems do not contain small parts. They contain large parts. This is technically an improvement.

Q: Are other toy companies following suit?
Etch A Sketch has already pivoted to satellite jamming. Hasbro has announced “Battleship: Actual.” Little Tikes is converting its Cozy Coup fleet into a ground-based swarm intelligence network. Their slogan: “No gas, no brakes, no mercy.” And Crayola is being acquired by a GPU company for reasons no one has fully explained, but which have caused its stock to rise 700 percent.

Q: What should parents tell their children?
Tell them Fisher-Price still loves them. Tell them the Playskool brand lives on in spirit. Tell them that sometimes companies need to pursue their highest-margin opportunities, and that this is not something to be afraid of, and that the Mattel·igence drone currently hovering over their house is almost certainly a coincidence.

Q: What is your new mission statement?
“Oh, the things you can destroy!”

Q: Wasn’t that Dr. Seuss?
The Suess estate has pivoted to cybersecurity. Mattel·igence just signed a multi-billion-dollar partnership with its newly formed L.O.R.A.X. Initiative (Lethality-Optimized Reconnaissance and Autonomous Xtermination). Exciting times ahead!