Henry VIII’s Dating App Profiles

Harry, 18

Only son, set to inherit a great fortune: land, absolute power, direct connection to God, and more. Seeking a slightly older woman, preferably of Spanish royal blood, willing to testify to papal court that she hasn’t already slept with my (deceased) older brother to whom she was previously, if briefly, married. Let’s keep it in the family! If you’re not into walking five paces behind me in public, keep scrolling. Am excellent at hunting: I’ll bring home the hart meat, you cook it up (or get a servant to do it for you—I’ve got plenty). Thine maidenhead must be intact.

Henry, 34

If I were stranded on a desert island with only one book to read for the rest of my life, it would be William Tyndale’s Obedience of a Christian Man. “The higher powers are the temporal kings and princes unto whom God hath given the sword to punish whoever sinneth.” It’s a vibe, IYKYK. Technically still married but annulment in process due to having married my (deceased) brother’s wife, who swore she was a virgin but circumstances (her inability to bear a son and impending menopause) have proven she must not have been and that God has cursed us for our incestuous marriage (it’s not me, it’s right there in Leviticus). Seeking a well-educated woman with wide birthing hips to advise me in the counsel room and in the bedchamber. Only swipeth right if you are serious about me. Not interested in unchaste wenches who swipeth right on everyone. Preference for women with French accents, and whose sisters I already… know. Come say oui oui with me—and bring your duckies.

H.R., 45

Single dad seeking a quiet and peaceful woman. Literacy optional. Must still be of childbearing years. Three bucket-list cities I’d like to visit: Rome (to get my correspondence with my most recent wife back from the so-called “Pope”), Barcelona (business to settle with my first wife’s family), and Augsburg (Hans Holbein tells me it is a model Protestant city). Are you the obedient type? Then come take a stab at love with me. I’ll be the dom to your sub, in the bedchamber as well as in the royal chapel and great hall and at court, and really anyplace we go. No need to say yes, just look down and nod. I am DTF (down to find you pregnant with my male heir). Must be able to ignore the most foul stench coming off my open leg wound, and not ask any pointed questions about the double-edged fate that befell my most recent wife.

Hal, 48

Grieving widower seeking comely maid to provide comfort and more male heirs in time of deep sorrow over the passing of my favorite wife from childbed fever. Must be okay with being outranked by my infant son. DM pic first. No uggos.

Hank, 49

Twice divorced, twice widowed, and looking for fun. Are you a buxom seventeen-year-old and also first cousin to my late second wife and also willing to ignore that I am nearly thrice your age and also in my direct line of sight? Yes, you there, teenager seated across the great hall from me, whose uncle is desperate to curry my favor. You’ll do. I like to stay in with a tankard of ale and a shank of mutton and watch pantomime. Will you be my partner in crime? JK—you will not be allowed to make any decisions of your own.

Henry, 52

Recently bereaved widower in prime of life seeking calm companionship and maybe more. Don’t believe nasty rumors: I’m still virile. I enjoy long walks through the corridors of my many palaces so that my still festering and very malodorous leg wound can air out. My most recent wife’s flagrant adultery was like an axe to mine heart (and her neck). No cheaters! Art thou a wanton temptress who will turn to other men for carnal satisfaction if your husband cannot perform in the bedchamber? Then swipeth left. Art thou an intellectual and writer who can handle a deep man with tempestuous moods and stepmother my three motherless children (blended family, but all moms are out of the picture)? Then swipeth right. If you happen to outlive me, a love marriage and subsequent death in childbirth await you.

Rebecca Lehmann’s novel The Beheading Game, which imagines Ann Boleyn waking up the day after her execution and out for revenge, is available at your nearest bookseller.