The CCP monitored me on Fizz. This is my story

I am a student at Stanford University. Like many of my peers, I use the anonymous social app Fizz. The thing is, I’m not like any other Fizz user. By day, I sit in the lab engineering reactions between acids and bases. By night, I sit in my lair engineering reactions to memes and crazes. I’m good at it too. I’m #7 on the leaderboard. I’d be #6 if it weren’t for SUPS (virgins). As I climbed the ranks and became something of a campus influencer, I noticed prying eyes and faint whispers of a certain “pen15iguana2005.” If only they knew how close he was.

They say it’s lonely at the top. They’re wrong. How would they know, anyhow? They can’t tell slop from ragebait. I know because they upvoted my “cute CS guy in coda” crush posts every single time. On the contrary, I’d been sitting in the top ten for three weeks when it began to happen.

Things took a turn just about two months ago when “Anonymous 4” DMed me on an anonymous (and admittedly fake) “F4M quant” post I had made a few hours earlier. Normally, I don’t respond with DM’s like this, but something took hold of me, and I engaged.

“wuts ur major,” he opened.

“chem-e.” I occasionally told the truth.

“cool. wanna link? im in east flo”

That’s when I cut things off. I was immediately suspicious at the thought of a SLEek seeking out human connection, but my scrutiny deepened as I wondered why the booty call only came after I disclosed my major. Perhaps he was a foreign operative aware of my research in medicinal fentanyl use on equine populations. I had been warned by my PI that our research was of particular interest to Chinese firms as American druggies move on to “less-than-lethal” depressants.

My suspicions were confirmed when I realized 2026 is the year of the horse. Finally, there is concrete evidence that the CCP has it out for me because of my contributions at Stanford. Between my fame on Fizz and my groundbreaking research, I knew I was making a splash with America’s foreign adversaries. However, I will continue to brave the treachery of my situation. No matter how hard they try, the CCP’s goons won’t stop me from speaking out about ASSU and dining hall menus while chemically engineering horse drugs.

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