Transcript from the Meeting Where They Invented the Mammogram Machine

April 1965
Meeting to Discuss
Boob Cancer Problem

CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts.

TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me.

FRANK: Me too.

CARL: As medical professionals, it’s incumbent upon us to invent an early detection system so this disease doesn’t ravage perfectly perky gazongas.

JOE: Couldn’t we just, you know, feel for it?

CARL: Unfortunately, not all cancers can be detected with a good honka honka.

JOE: I hear the Germans are doing great things with x-rays. Maybe we can get women to take off their clothes for electromagnetic radiation.

FRANK: Hmm, I like the “take off their clothes” part, but not doing something tactile feels like a missed opportunity.

TED: Ooh, what about a machine that the boob has to be physically placed inside? Like, by us.

JOE: Yes! It could be manhandled onto a steel plate.

TED: Emphasis on the man!

JOE: And the room could be kept at subzero temperatures, so women get those cute little goose bumps.

CARL: I believe the scientific term is “piloerection.”

TED: Yeah, because they give me a pile of erections.

[Sound of a high five]

JOE: And then a vice could crank down onto the tit and flatten it to the height of a vinyl record.

FRANK: What record?

JOE: Bob Dylan?

TED: Shouldn’t it be a woman?

JOE: Right. Joan Baez?

TED: Great boobs.

CARL: So the vice crushes the udders until the woman worries they might burst?

JOE: Exactly.

TED: Can they burst?

CARL: I’m not sure.

FRANK: Me neither.

TED: What are those fun bags made of anyway?

FRANK: Milk, obviously.

JOE: Should we order lunch?

CARL: We’ll need a way to mark the nipple so it doesn’t look like an abnormality on the image.

FRANK: Right… what about an industrial adhesive tape that would come very close to ripping off the skin?

JOE: Smart.

TED: And if the nipple does rip off, we could stop the milk from pouring out with our mouths.

CARL: Naturally.

SANDRA: Maybe we could also use this technology to detect cancer in men’s testicles.

TED: …

CARL: …

FRANK: …

JOE: …

CARL: Sandra, could you get us lunch? I have a strange craving for pancakes.

[Audible sigh]

JOE: Here’s a question: What if smashing the hooters permanently damages them?

FRANK: Oh, god. That would be worse than cancer. Maybe we could invent a separate procedure to plump them up. Like, an augmentation.

TED: Yes! We could offer it to all women, independent of the cancer stuff.

JOE: Absolutely.

FRANK: It would only be fair.

CARL: Well, gentlemen, this has been very productive. All that’s left is a name for the test.

JOE: How about the Chest Ray?

FRANK: The AwoogaTron?

TED: The Come to Papa 3000?

FRANK: The Gusher Crusher?

JOE: Pillow Press?

TED: Jug Tug?

FRANK: Tit Stop?

TED: Teet-o-gram?

JOE: Can-o-gram?

TED: MAN-o-gram! You know, since we invented it.

CARL: Oh, that’s good.

SANDRA: Here are your pancakes.

JOE: Thank you, ma’am.

[Gasps]

TED/JOE/FRANK/CARL: Ma’am-o-gram!