NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History

NEW YORK—Calling the move the logical next phase in the league’s continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season, it would begin staging several games across various epochs of history. “We’ve seen tremendous growth from bringing the game to destinations like London, Berlin, and Mexico City, and now we’re planning on doing the same for prospective fans living in eras ranging from ancient Egypt to the Italian Renaissance,” said commissioner Roger Goodell, detailing plans to host regular-season games in a number of historic and prehistoric settings, with primetime matchups slated for Victorian England, the Yuan dynasty, and several sites on the Pangaean supercontinent. “When you look at the Bantu kingdoms or the warriors of the Aztec Empire, it’s clear these ancient peoples are an untapped audience for hard-hitting NFL action, offering exciting revenue opportunities for the league and its corporate partners. From the moment players disembark from our newly launched Time Zeppelin, I’m confident they’ll be welcomed across the space-time continuum by these enthusiastic new fan demographics.” Goodell went on to confirm that any players lost to unanticipated hazards like time paradoxes, ritual human sacrifice, or carnivorous megafauna would be accounted for within the normal framework of roster attrition. 

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