Poor Sleep Linked To Gong

CHICAGO—Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicago’s sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong. “Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having a gong sound near one’s bed,” said lead author Dr. Sylvia Mott, who added that study participants reported falling asleep later and waking up earlier when exposed to the deafening clang of a gong being struck with a mallet. “Incidences of insomnia increased by 97% when the gong was repeatedly used throughout the night, whether it was a small handheld xiaoluo or a deeply pitched four-foot-wide ageng. For this reason, we recommend avoiding gongs for at least 30 minutes before bed. It might be tempting to hear one last thunderous crash as you’re winding down, but the data shows it’s just not worth it.” The study also found that the detrimental effects of gongs could be compounded when combined with two large cymbals smashed together on an unsuspecting sleeper’s head. 

The post Poor Sleep Linked To Gong appeared first on The Onion.