The Five Stages of Millennial Wedding Planning

Let me be the first to congratulate you on seeking help. As a clinician, I know it takes great courage to confront wedding planning. It’s a terminal condition, of course, but there are ways to cope. First, know that there is no wrong way to respond to wedding planning. Everyone has their own path. I should warn you, though, that most couples your age endure five key stages.

Denial

Someone will suggest that you go on Pinterest, and you will tell them no, you don’t really use that website. You will say that you don’t want to see pictures of string lights and mason jars, or groomsmen with beards and suspenders standing in a corn field. When you see bridal photos with Instagram filters from 2013, you’ll think, That’s impossible, that technology doesn’t even exist anymore. You will swear that “Millennial Folk Chic” is not a real thing. Nobody would describe their wedding as “Rustic Recession-Core.” You have never been more wrong.

Anger

At this point, reality starts to hit, which is when most couples snap. You will threaten to elope. You will pace around your apartment muttering “city hall” over and over. In a fit of rage, you will denounce the whole institution of marriage. You will say that the government cannot define your love, that weddings are a holdover of patriarchy, and then you will realize that married couples get tax breaks, and you will scroll Pinterest while screaming into a pillow. Just when you start to calm down, you’ll see a wedding reception where the chairs were replaced with vintage oak barrels, and you will pop a blood vessel. You will purchase string lights.

Bargaining

When the anger subsides, you will try to cut a deal. You will refuse to get married in a church, forcing you to choose between a barn, a brewery, and a brewery inside of a barn. In search of a good deal, you will map out the Hudson Valley like the Allies invading Normandy. When the likes of Beacon and Woodstock prove too expensive, you’ll discover secret towns designed specifically for rustic millennial weddings. You’ll concede to foil-stamped invitations, but you draw the line at a wedding hashtag. Sage green is an acceptable color, but pale mocha and blanched almond are not. You’ll smile and say your wedding won’t be like all the others, and then you will order mason jars to go with the string lights.

Depression (Financial)

Wedding planning can trigger intense emotions, but nothing prepares you for the dull ache of depression. You will enter a world in which money is just a number on a screen. Seventy-eight dollars must be the going rate for a catered salad. Eucalyptus table settings won’t pay for themselves. You were never going to afford a house anyway. You can save for retirement when you retire. Look on the bright side, if the global economy collapses, the US dollar will be worthless. In five billion years, the sun will explode. What is numb cannot feel pain. You cannot kill what is already dead.

Acceptance

The Buddhist concept of Samsara teaches us that we are all part of an endless cycle of birth, death, and wedding planning. At this stage, your rose-colored glasses have been replaced by various shades of cream, taupe, and ecru. You understand that the Hudson Valley was created by God to bankrupt newlyweds. You have hired a wedding planner for the ceremony, another wedding planner for the reception, and a wedding-planner planner to coordinate between wedding planners. The brewery-in-a-barn is booked, and the string lights just arrived. You have more debt than a Chicago pension fund.

When this is all over, I recommend you have a small party to celebrate. Just you and your loved ones. Drinks, dancing, cake. Almost like a wedding, but better.