Pregnancy Drinking Games

Take a casual swig of club soda disguised as vodka soda every time you attend a gathering and are trying to hide that you’re newly pregnant.

Take a tiny, carefully controlled sip of water every time you vomit.

Take another sip of water every time you vomit up the water you just swallowed. Repeat three to seventeen times daily.

Drink a cup of coffee and make an exaggerated “ahh” sound after every sip whenever a nosy coworker says you shouldn’t consume any caffeine during pregnancy.

Every time you have a weird craving, guzzle garlic ranch dressing straight from the bottle.

Every time you crave something specific from childhood, cry because someone had the nerve to discontinue the Walmart brand of neon green ketchup in 2006. Drink your tears.

Every time you crave something that’s definitely not food—such as pool water, couch cushion stuffing, or the smell of Ace Hardware in edible form—begrudgingly drink a Sprite.

Take a loud, obnoxious gulp of your third McDonald’s strawberry milkshake of the day every time someone says she was “lucky” enough to “only crave carrots and radish tops” when she was pregnant.

Tip back a cup of liquid Tylenol every time you get a headache from your aunt telling you not to take acetaminophen, according to something she read on a Facebook page called “Tradvice from RFK Jr. Fans.”

Take a sip of freshly squeezed orange juice every time—never mind, you can’t have that because it’s unpasteurized.

Take a sip of chamomile tea every time… actually, you probably shouldn’t have that either, because some reputable websites say it could be unsafe.

Take a sip of sparkling lemon water—wait, no, definitely do not drink that, according to Reddit user cricketbutts12, because the added fruit flavoring makes the baby grow extra toes. You know that sounds ridiculous, but why take the risk? This is your child. How could you even think about endangering your precious baby just so you can have a stupid La Croix?

Drink pickle juice whenever you feel like it.

Every time you get up at night to pee, take a sip of the ice water on your nightstand while knowing it’s definitely contributing to all the peeing. Repeat five to twenty-seven times nightly.

Drink a glass of beet juice, which is supposedly good for banishing forgetfulness, every time you experience pregnancy brain.

Choke down a bottle of radioactive yellow glucose drink when it’s time to take your gestational diabetes test. Wish it tasted like Ace Hardware instead.

Swallow a mouthful of chocolate milk every time you experience heartburn, that is until you realize that chocolate milk is actually giving you heartburn and can’t believe the utter betrayal. If your partner says, “Did you mean udder betrayal?” kick them out and tell them to buy you some red Gatorade.

Drink a glass of beet juice, which is supposedly good for banishing forgetfulness, every time you experience pregnancy brain.

Each time you feel irrational rage toward your partner, take a sip of red Gatorade—oh, that’s right, you CAN’T, because they bought YELLOW and said it would taste the SAME.

Take a minuscule sip of vanilla protein shake for breakfast when that’s all your stomach can hold in the late third trimester.

Crack open a new bottle of Coke every time the one you were just drinking fell on the ground, and you can’t bend over anymore to reach it.

Choke on the sip of apple juice you were just swallowing when your water breaks unexpectedly.

Once labor is underway, toast your partner with wine glasses full of grape juice, slip into your brand-new custom-embroidered silk delivery gown, and settle in for a How I Met Your Mother marathon together as you eagerly yet calmly anticipate your child’s arrival to the world—haha, just kidding. Instead, shovel ice chips into your cheeks like a chipmunk every time a contraction punches you in the coccyx.

Every time someone tells you to push, fully disassociate from your body and, in an alternate reality, lie under a parasol somewhere in the Caribbean and savor a Sex on the Beach, which is exactly how you got into this pregnancy thing in the first place.

Anytime after giving birth, take a long, slow sip of the liquor of your choice every time someone asks you when you’re having another baby.