FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens

SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. “If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place,” said agency commissioner Marty Makary, adding that while the effects of synthetic peptides on the human body were still largely unknown, they were guaranteed to have a number of “weird-ass effects.” “We want to give children the opportunity to grow 10 feet tall or possibly breathe underwater. Maybe they’ll start breathing fire or develop writhing tentacles where their eyes used to be. Even if they simply change color or become covered in fur, it will still be a fascinating outcome. The important thing is to keep soaking them in peptides until you notice a change.” Makary added that parents should not be alarmed if their children melted into puddles since this was actually a fairly well-documented consequence of synthetic peptide exposure.

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