If Every Congressman Facing Credible Rape Allegations Resigned, We’d Have No One Left to Govern the Country

“Eric Swalwell, a Democratic congressman from the San Francisco Bay Area, said on Monday that he is resigning after allegations he sexually assaulted a former staff member and engaged in misconduct with other women.”
— New York Times

I’m sure the many people who called for Eric Swalwell’s expulsion from the House of Representatives had the best intentions. Let’s forbid suspected rapists from running our government, these wide-eyed idealists probably thought. But now that he’s resigned, we need to face the dire consequences: if we kick one suspected rapist out of Congress, we’ll then have to kick out all the suspected rapists.

It’s naïve to imagine the government can continue to function without the tireless dedication of our best and brightest rapists.

First of all, purging lawmakers who have been credibly accused of sexual assault contradicts the will of the people. These congressmen worked hard to get to the top of a competitive field of notably rape-y politicians. Voters have made their voices heard by choosing the very rapiest. Should we punish these talented assaulters for their success?

And to those who would argue that voters didn’t know the men were suspected rapists when they voted for them, I can only say: Are you serious?

The American voter isn’t stupid. They know what they’re getting into when they cast a vote for a man.

Sure, these congressmen’s campaigns could have been stronger if they had openly admitted to their histories of sexual assault, or claimed only certain attractive women are worthy of assault, or blamed victims for being raped. If they work on perfecting their messaging, someday maybe they will be elected president. But for now, because they made the mistake of partially concealing their sleaze, they have to settle for congressman. It makes no sense for a lawmaker to resign when he’s only delivering exactly what the citizens have shown they want.

In other words, we, the American people, were asking for it.

Now, the anti-rape idealists have gotten what they wanted, but they haven’t thought through what will happen next. If we investigate the allegations against Swalwell, we’ll have to investigate all the sexual misconduct accusations against every congressman. And then what? If every one of them facing credible accusations resigns or is expelled, who will run the country? With Republican representative Tony Gonzales’s resignation over sexual misconduct allegations, we’re already sliding down a slippery slope. If we follow these resignations to their logical conclusion, we’ll be left, effectively, without a Congress at all.

Those who don’t want sexual predators as lawmakers probably imagine someone else could run for Congress. But the United States has spent centuries developing a leadership pipeline that favors maximal male sliminess. If any man without a strong inclination toward sexual misconduct exists, surely he is unqualified to lead. Even if he started today, he’d hardly have enough time to accumulate the number of dick pics needed to alienate his entire female staff in time for election day.

Of course, we must take it as a given that very few women can become legislators. It’s simply too time-consuming and demanding a job for anyone who’s had to spend most of her career fending off the sexual advances of her congressman boss.