University folds to government pressure, bans visible Pride symbols like Subarus

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Yesterday, the University announced a new policy that prevents students from “publicly displaying any trait, object, or personal style choice associated with LGBTQ+ symbolism.” A campus-wide email announced the policy minutes after a deepfake post from the official White House X account showed a drone strike aimed at a double rainbow over Meyer Green.

The email announcing the ban contained a sample list of prohibited symbols under the ban, including Subarus, wolf cuts and ice hockey. Under the new policy, any student that exhibits “visible queerness” will be forced to complete community service at the Hoover Institution.

Although the policy has earned President Trump’s approval, many students and faculty members have referred to the rule as “cruel and unusual” and the fines as “egregious and excessive.” Responding to his critics, Trump responded, “Well, the gay community, they discovered the rainbow, they’re tasting the rainbow, they stole it from the Bible, and everybody knows there’s a big pot of gold at the end of every rainbow, and why don’t they just use that if they want to keep doing whatever they do to America?”

While the ban lists more explicit symbols of queer identity like Chappell Roan and U-Hauls, it also extends to “general practices that promote solidarity,” such as centering marginalized voices or rock climbing. 

“It’s terrible,” said Bayleigh Aleighna Leighne ‘29. “I mean, I’m straight. But I wanted to have a Heated Rivalry watch party, and I don’t know whether I can even do that anymore. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a…”  Here, Leighne made two peace signs while interlocking her fingers.

Asked whether similar anxieties over showing support for LGBTQ+ students motivated the University’s changes to co-op life–a notable stronghold of queer community–President Jonathan Levin ‘94 laughed and said, “What? No! That’s just what EBF gets for turning me away in ‘93. Do they even know who my dad is?”

The new policy has also drawn criticism from groups who worry that “gay” or “queer” will become taboo words, including fraternities. 

Expressing derision, Brock Everlasting Jr. ‘27 asked, “Now what do I call my bro when he tells me that McKinsey is morally suspect, or that he wants to propose to his boyfriend? What do I say? That’s g…” Everlasting scrunched his nose. “…See?”

However, Dee Featist ‘29 noted an upside to the policy. “I was worried about being homesick or being unprepared for the culture shock of an inclusive college experience, but not anymore.” Featist identifies as a trans woman living in the world. “This feels just like home.”

While some students see clear implications for their day-to-day lives, others feel confused, unsure of how the new policy might affect them as individuals. 

“I was bi-curious. Now it’s ‘bye, curious.’ But I curious!” Slam poet Ben Tarrow ‘26, who performs under the stage name Roy CohnSCIENCE, expressed during an exclusive show for Daily reporters. “Can I be a good boy, and a good bi, or do I gotta give it a good bye?” 

To understand the ban’s implications for the bi community, The Daily reached out to University administrators with a request for comment. 

“We would like to ensure that our discrimination policy is non-discriminatory among different members of the LGBTQ+ community. However, if I may answer your question with a question,” replied Michelle Rasmussen, “the what?”

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