Asking Eric: I wish my friend would chill out about religious holidays
Dear Eric: I’m an African American man in my late 60s. Nobody would call me the most religious guy on the planet, but the center aisle in the church would not open up and swallow me if I walked in.
I have a white friend, proud of his Jewish heritage, who I have known since we were kids. He spends as much time in the synagogue as I spend in the church (i.e., not much), but he is always holding up his religion as his badge of honor.
Admittedly, as a somewhat non-practitioner, I don’t keep up with the Jewish holidays. He calls me all the time saying “Hey, aren’t you going to wish me happy Chanukah, or happy Rosh Hashanah?”
Tonight, he sent me pictures of some religious celebration. I did a modest perusal in AI but could not find a Jewish holiday that is being celebrated tonight.
How do I get my old friend to take a chill pill?
– Not Religious
Dear Not Religious: It sounds like he’s trying to share part of his culture with you. Some Jewish people don’t practice or consider themselves particularly observant but have deep connections to the cultural traditions and history of Judaism. This is very important, as with any other cultural tradition – racial, ethnic or religious.
So, when he says, “Wish me a Happy Chanukah,” he may be saying, “This is a big part of who I am, and it would be meaningful for you to see it and acknowledge it.” Maybe next time consider asking him “what do you do for Chanukah/Purim/et cetera? Tell me what it means to you.” You can also just say, “Happy Chanukkah” and leave it at that.
For holidays you don’t recognize, it’s fine to ask, “what holiday is this?” The internet is also a good resource. I don’t recommend using AI for any information gathering, but there are sites written by humans, like Judaism 101, that list major holidays and provide explanations of their importance, if you’re curious.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have enjoyed hosting parties in our home for years. There are some guests that like to bring a bouquet of flowers to thank us.
It is a very kind gesture, but to be honest, it’s an inconvenience to deal with flowers while greeting other folks and finishing up last-minute preparations for the gathering.
As alternatives, a small potted plant or flowers in a jar would be another way to thank the hosts without creating extra work.
Of course, we always show appreciation to our guests that bring us bouquets, but would it be rude to give them a vase and scissors and ask them if they could please arrange the flowers? Your thoughts?
– Lover of Flowers and Friends
Dear Flowers and Friends: I don’t think it’s rude at all. Some guests love to be given something to do while the hosts finish preparing dinner. If you can set them up with what they need and they won’t be in your way in the kitchen, hand over a vase without hesitation.
Dear Eric: I’m a retired therapist who specialized in ADHD, with adults and families and couples. I am also ADHD. I wanted to write about a letter from “Tired,” whose friend was recently diagnosed with ADHD and has started using it as an excuse for a new habit of lateness, among other things.
The diagnosis, while in some ways freeing, is an explanation, not an excuse. Most of my ADHD clients worked really hard to learn coping techniques to help them get through their life and work.
There are many behaviors that can be successfully managed. (Timers on our phones work wonders.) This “friend” of Tired’s needs some accountability for her behaviors, and when she received the diagnosis, should have been given some guidance about symptom management.
Dr. Daniel Amen has written several excellent books on ADHD, including tips for families with both children and adults with ADHD.
I am sorry that Tired is going through so much stress. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate her own needs in this relationship, since her friend is exhibiting so little compassion.
– No Excuses
Dear No Excuses: Thank you for this informed perspective. One of the issues with which the original letter writer was struggling was the desire to be compassionate and the feeling of being let down by a friend. And compassion goes both ways.
While things like lateness can’t always be avoided, it’s important to acknowledge and take responsibility for the ways our actions impact others. The health conditions we deal with don’t make us bad or good, but it would greatly benefit this relationship for the letter writer’s friend to say, “I know I kept you waiting and I know it’s frustrating. I’m sorry.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.