What to consider if you’re a ‘solo ager’ without a family support net

Q. I am a 74-year-old woman, never married and have no children. I am worried about what will happen to me when I am “really old.” I have heard of the term “solo agers.” Could you write more about that? Many thanks. P.S.

Solo agers have been defined as those who are “not married, not living with a partner, with no living children and live alone.” Sara Zeff Geber, an expert on solo aging and author of “Essential Retirement Planning for Solo Agers: A Retirement and Aging Roadmap for Single and Childless Adults” presents a broader definition. This is “someone (in later life) who doesn’t have or doesn’t anticipate having family support.” She notes that this would include a married couple since, at some point in time, one partner will be alone.  

Solo agers make up 12 percent of the 50-plus population and continues to grow. 

Here are some indicators. More people are living longer. The 76 million-strong baby boom generation, which spans those aged 61-79, includes many people with no children. Then there is the increase of gray divorces, which has nearly tripled since 1990, according to a 2022 study by Bowling Green State University. Add to that older adults who never married. 

I recently met with a group of women who are part of a Solo Aging group. I asked them what they would like to see in an ideal world; note that we didn’t discuss world peace, but what would benefit them personally.

The first on the list was having a supportive circle of friends, acknowledging that today we have to be intentional in forming a community. Next was affordable assisted living residences, followed by good public transportation. They also referred to the “Golden Girls” model of a shared residence with like-minded friends as a possibility for support and social connections. 

There are pluses and minuses to solo living. The AARP survey indicates many solo agers enjoy the feeling of independence, and a majority say they have enough friends. In the same survey, when compared to non-solo agers, the solo agers are “more likely to fear dying alone, being moved somewhere against their will and having a court appoint someone to make decisions for them.” Note one woman in the solo aging group indicated she was just fine with her solo life, knowing she would not have to be a caregiver to an ailing mate. 

In my conversation with Geber, she noted that among all of the important components to solo aging, the most important and complex is the social one because of its moving parts. It includes where you live, your engagement, having a sense of purpose, your social circle and support network, she said. And we know lack of social connection and isolation are risks to one’s physical, mental and emotional health. 

And then there is the desire to just age in place. Geber said, “That is a romantic notion; at some point, we will fail and need support.” Of course, in-home care is an option if affordable. She added that many in their 60s and 70s cannot imagine themselves at age 95, thinking the friends they currently meet for lunch or dinner will be their social support in 20 or 30 years. She noted, “That was unlikely.”

There is a laundry list of things to do, whether or not one is a solo ager or anticipates being one. There are financial and legal ones, including a will, trust, health care directive and durable power of attorney. 

Then there is the multifaceted social piece.

Here are a few more tips for the latter. 

• Consider doing some research for housing options for your later years. Try to decide how and where you want to live before a crisis occurs. Affordability is a major consideration.
• Look at your social circle. Will they be there for you for all of the tomorrows? If not, develop that social support plan.
• If you plan to age in place, consider the financial cost for potential home modifications, the affordability of in-home care and who you will see or speak with on a regular basis. 
• If you have family and good friends close by, will you be able to depend on them? Consider a conversation to determine if they will “be there for you?”

To quote the foreword of Geber’s book written by Harry (Rick) Moody, “Don’t say you’re not a solo ager. The truth is, we’re all solo agers if we live long enough.” 

Thank you, P.S., for your important question. And know acts of kindness never go out of style. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity