‘Two Envelopes’ method aimed to ease tensions when a loved one dies

Rusty Rosman has heard the stories — so many stories — about families feuding after the death of a loved one.

Disputes over funeral arrangements, financial considerations and other concerns “add chaos to a time for grieving,” Rosman said.

In one instance, brothers argued whether dad — who rarely wore a suit — should be buried in a suit or in his favorite coveralls.

In another, a father had remarried and moved to another state, where he died. Families in two states wrangled over what to do, before choosing cremation and dividing the ashes.

Then there was the mother who told her daughter the dress she wanted to wear at burial. But when the woman died, the dress could not be found. Mom had lost weight, given the dress to charity and failed to tell anyone.

It doesn’t have to be so contentious and frustrating, says Rosman, whose service as a community leader and longtime member of the Commerce Township Zoning Board of Appeals, has earned her a reputation for straight talk.

Indeed, she says, loved ones approaching the end of life can help minimize family confrontations by dispensing straight talk of their own on their wants and expectations.

“My advice is: ‘If you want something to be a certain way, then say so. Don’t leave it for others to decide,’” Rosman said.

In a new book chock-full of advice, Rosman explains how using two simple envelopes can clear away the confusion and dissension.

One envelope should include written instructions for funeral arrangements and the like. The other envelope should spell out what is to be done with belongings not covered in legal documents — from passwords to insurance policies and e-mail addresses.

It’s important, as well, to let trusted family members know where the envelopes are kept and to place the envelopes where they cannot be read by others.

The “Two Envelopes” method, she said, provides peace of mind by promoting peace in the family. Conveying wishes regarding your wishes and estate ensures that “your voice, your wishes, continue to guide your loved ones after your death.”

With discretion and empathy, Rosman describes her method in “Two Envelopes: What You Want Your Loved Ones to Know When You Die” ($19.99, Amazon.com). She describes the book as “a guide” to navigate the practical and emotional aspects of end-of-life planning.

One of four children, Rosman said she spent years assisting her parents and her in-laws as they aged, encouraging them to write out their final wishes for funerals, mourning periods and belongings. By having her parents put their wishes in writing, she said, made heartbreaking deaths easier for children to endure.

“We did exactly what our parents requested and there was no fighting,” Rosman said. “By doing two envelopes, you are helping your loved ones through a difficult time.”

Rosman’s sister, Margo Gold, said “Two Envelopes” provides “thoughtful steps for important, too-often-postponed decisions and how to share them effectively with family and others.

“It shows each of us how a simple envelope can be transformed into a meaningful vessel of love.”

Rosman, a first-time author and lifelong Commerce Township resident, said her life experience guided her to write the book.

“I remember walking toward the room with our computer, thinking about two envelopes and I started writing,” she said.

Three weeks later, she said, the book was completed.

“It just flowed,” she said.