The White Sox put up a fight at the season’s midpoint, but fail to change the story in 4-3 loss

Five hundred runners left on base, some even running at full speed

Picture this: You’re in fourth grade, at recess. The toughest boy on the playground is picking on the scrawniest boy, who startles at everyday noises, such as the class bell or a faraway freight train’s faint echoing horn. In a moment of bravery, the scrawny boy’s will breaks, and he challenges the bully, after years of terror and torment, to an after-school fight. That bony little firecracker sure does have a strong will, but holy shit, we all know he’s getting his ass handed to him in a basket.

The crowd gathers at 4 p.m. Most of them are friends with the scrawny boy, and just as many fear the bully. No one likes a bully, of course. Without hesitation, the scrawny boy winds up his body and shoves the bully with all his might. The bully’s frame doesn’t even budge. The crowd stands in nervous silence. Effortlessly, the scrawny boy is lifted by his shirt and unceremoniously slammed to the ground. This is just the start of the royal ass beating that will take place. Unfortunately for the scrawny boy, the fight has barely started.

The 2024 White Sox are the scrawny boy, and every other team is the formidable school bully. White Sox fans are the crowd of students stuck at this Intensive-designated school, with meager funding, bereft of role model or guidance in any form. Unable to look away at the cringefest of a beat down, both out of concern for the once-willing victim and morbid curiosity, they continue to watch.

So, why are fans still watching?

The answer is simple: We love the White Sox.

We’re going down with the ship, and we’ll complain until there’s saltwater bubbling out from our bursting lungs. We’re in this together, even if Jerry’s selling this shitshack down to the studs and plucking the copper wire out of the walls.

South Side, sit down and rest. Don a freshly-pressed Caleb Williams jersey. Visit one of our many world-class museums. Eat a hot dog. Don’t stand up for a home run if you want to stay seated. You deserve better.

So does Chris Flexen. Like many White Sox starters, his ERA and record don’t reflect his quality this season, and the last time Flexen was on the mound, the bullpen blew it. I won’t repost that same clip that I resurrected in the gamethread, but it’s the same old story that you’ve seen countless times this season. Flexen was facing Elk Grove Village native Bobby Miller, who was jumpy and couldn’t land his four-seamer. But unlike the White Sox, the Dodgers can depend on their bullpen when their starter falters.

While fans were still finding their seats, the fifth pitch Flexen flexed to Shohei Ohtani was blasted into the stands. This was Ohtani’s ninth game in a row where he had an RBI. The bully’s first punch landed.

The White Sox put up their dukes and forged ahead after the Dodgers got on the board, they got in a few good punches to answer Ohtani’s dinger. Andrew Benintendi smacked a homer into the stands after a Tommy Pham walk, making this Miller’s third consecutive start where he gave up a home run in the first inning. Luis Robert Jr. got a base hit and set up Eloy Jiménez’s RBI double.

Yeah, the White Sox had an actual two-run lead heading into the second.

But this isn’t White Sox fans’ first rodeo. South Siders were already dealing with an acrid taste in their mouths after yesterday’s inexplicable pulling of Garrett Crochet, followed by the repetitive bullpen meltdown that we’ve all grown accustomed to this season. Crochet said he could have thrown 130 pitches, but Titanic skipper Pedro Grifol pulled him after 91, then claimed in postgame interviews that the move wasn’t strategic. He changed his story in pregame interviews today.

Grifol’s moves are mystifying. Watching him try to steer this train wreck is like being stuck with him in the Hancock Tower’s elevator, but it’s careening to free-fall, and he isn’t letting you press the emergency buttons because he insists that the elevator is just fine because it still has heart. If that’s true, Pedro, why did your LinkedIn pop up in our feeds this morning?

The school bully didn’t get the reputation he has from being a one-trick pony. In the third, Ohtani walked and Freddie Freeman hit a two-run homer, tying the game for the Dodgers. Bobby Miller was pulled, and the Dodgers bullpen was ready to take over and shut down the South Siders. The next inning, L.A. reclaimed the lead. The scrawny boy was running out of stamina.

In the midst of our suffering, White Sox trade rumors have also been flying, and they’re mostly what you’d expect after the everything-must-go offseason sale. As the front office shops around for (likely) the best prospects they can get in exchange for their sparse remaining stars, it was always inevitable that we’d have to say goodbye to the bright spots on our roster.

As the deadline looms, there’s one change we’re all waiting for with bated breath, and it has nothing to do with the roster. The All-Star break is approaching. We’re at the exact halfway mark of the season tonight, the 81st game of the season. The White Sox are a monumental embarrassment, and one of the people responsible has yet to take any blame.

So, Skip Schumaker, if you’re here to place your fingers on the pulse of White Sox fans, we’re currently in hell. But, we’re loyal, we’re unwavering, and we’re ready to welcome anyone who’s going to breathe some life into these tired South Siders. Grifol needs to pack up the nonchalance and accountability-dodging and take it back to Kansas City with him, along with his contemptible lack of professionalism. It won’t be a challenge to gain fans’ approval, for the bar dwells at unspeakable depths, hanging out with the Titanic (along with the Titan submersible) wreckage. (See: mandatory practice/warm ups, at least semi-understandable management, postgame transparency, consistent lineups in lieu of undefendable chaos, and other general common-sense issues that escape the 2024 White Sox.)

The fans wouldn’t need to coach Schumaker on the fundamentals of baseball. He was awarded the distinction of NL Manager of the Year last season, and led the Miami Marlins to the postseason before their Soxian fall from grace this season.

And look at his dogs.

LOOK AT THEM.

The White Sox failed to deliver tonight, despite the bullpen doing the unthinkable and not being responsible for the blown early lead. The Dodgers bested them, 4-3, a respectably close game for the South Siders, all things considered.

After the bully landed a few kidney blows, the scrawny boy broke loose from his grip. He took a deep breath, steeled his resolve, and stared the bully down, ready to pounce. The bully’s eyes widened as he noticed something on the scrawny boy’s pants. He pointed down at them, as his face broke into a smile. The scrawny boy had pissed himself, and his light-colored jeans betrayed him, broadcasting the accident immediately. His face turned a shade of bright red, and tears welled in his eyes. The crowd exploded with contagious laughter. The scrawny boy, mortified, crossed his legs, failing to obscure the wet spot while making himself look even more foolish, and waddled away, wailing as he made his escape. But he’ll be back tomorrow at 7:10 p.m. CST for the first pitch, possibly with clean pants.

Futility Watch

White Sox 2024 Record 21-60, worst 81-game start in White Sox history (6 games ahead of the next-worst, 1934 White Sox)
White Sox 2024 Run Differential -169, 28th-worst 81-game start in MLB history
White Sox 2024 Season Record Pace 42-120 (.259)
Race to the Worst “Modern” 162-Game Record (2003 Tigers, 43-119) 1 game ahead
Race to the Worst “Modern” Record in a 162-Game Season (1962 Mets, 40-120) 1 game behind
Race to the Most White Sox Losses (1970, 106) 14 games ahead
Race to the Worst White Sox Record (1932, 52-109-1*) 10 1⁄2 games ahead
Race to the Worst American League Record (1916 A’s, 38-124*) 4 games behind
*record adjusted to a 162-game season