Jeff Burkhart: Giving them what they want

To truly understand the bar business, one must first stand behind a bar. It won’t take long, but it has to be done. The minute you have to wait on people who aren’t your friends, you will get a sense of what the real human experience is.

Sure, anybody can make mixed drinks. A gin and tonic is simply that: gin and tonic. Every other drink that exists is either adding, substituting or subtracting something from that. But try making 10 different permutations of that with 10 more people waiting impatiently for their own versions. And now try doing that for hours on end. It ain’t for the meek.

She ordered three espresso martinis, four old fashioneds and a mojito in a clipped vaguely British accent.

“Sure,” I said.

“I bet you hate me,” she added.

I lined up the three martini glasses, four double old-fashioned glasses and the tall glass we use for our mojito.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because don’t bartenders hate making espresso martinis?”

Two shaker glasses with ice, three shots of vodka and three of Kahlúa later, I reached around to pick up our pitcher of fresh espresso that was constantly being refreshed.

“Not really,” I said.

Two large stirring beakers were placed on the rubber cocktail mat, then filled with ice and 4 ounces of whiskey in each one, followed by a squirt of our premixed old-fashioned syrup, already combining two bitters and simple syrup.

“But I read somewhere that bartenders hated making them,” she said more as a statement than a question.

“Drinks are drinks,” I said. “If it’s on your menu, it shouldn’t ever be a problem. If it is, you just streamline the process.”

“But I thought they were hard? And I thought the only thing bartenders hated more than espresso martinis were old fashioneds?” she asked.

“Or mojitos?” she added.

The last mixing glass had a pinch of smashed and torn mint, lime juice, simple syrup, rum and a splash of soda. Then, it was a simple shake, shake, stir, stir and shake. Boom, bang, bing — nine coffee beans, four orange zests, four pre-picked cherries, a sprig of mint and a lime wheel.

As I lined up the eight drinks, I wiped my hands on my apron.

“That will be $98.64,” I said.

She looked at me dumbfounded.

“That didn’t seem so hard,” she said.

“It wasn’t,” I responded.

She seemed disappointed by that.

“Sorry,” I said.

She scooped up the drinks, turned and distributed them amongst her friends.

“Apparently it wasn’t ‘that hard,’” she said, making air quotes with her fingers.

One group of people you can’t really ever explain to people outside the business are the people who are willfully trying to be difficult. It’s not just that they want things a certain way, but rather that the way they gain value from something is by making it difficult.

There are a lot of people these days who say, “I am just being honest.” But they aren’t necessarily being honest. What they are often doing is saying something very opinionated that is designed specifically to get a reaction. Disguising cruelty as “honesty” is one of the most dishonest and cruel things one can do. We must all remember that “truth” is relative, even the most obvious kinds. And we must further realize that not everybody is on the same page about anything. And sometimes, people just suck.

Her next order was two decaf espresso martinis, three different types of whiskey old fashioneds and “some kind of fresh fruit” mojito.

Again, bing, bang, boom and even more disappointment on her face. If we recall the late-19th-century retail baron Marshall Field and his famous quote — “Give the lady what she wants” — then this lady wasn’t getting it.

One regular espresso martini, one half-caff espresso martini, two different fruit mojitos and a mixed bag of old fashioneds later, along with a “made-from-scratch” Bloody Mary, just happened to coincide with another big order from the dining room.

“It’s gonna be a second,” I said. “I don’t have any decaf espresso, and I need to get plain tomato juice from the back.”

That seemed to make her smile. When I returned, she was practically beaming. I made the drinks, and she delivered them. And for the first time, she tipped the appropriate amount.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• Sometimes the obstacle is, in fact, the goal.

• “Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for healthy personal growth, individuation and self-actualization,” once declared psychiatrist, psychologist and psychotherapist Carl Jung.

• The drinks on your menu should never be a problem. If they are, you either need new drinks, or new bartenders.

• Give the people what they want, and only then will they get what they deserve.

• Try working behind the bar, Carl. I bet you’d change your mind. Call it a hunch.

Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender, Vol. I and II,” the host of the Barfly Podcast on iTunes (as seen in the NY Times) and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Follow him at jeffburkhart.net and contact him at jeffbarflyIJ@outlook.com