Goodnight, sweet Panera charged lemonade prince
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- Panera Bread is getting rid of its highly caffeinated charged lemonades, which attracted lawsuits.
- A size large contained 390 mg of caffeine — the same as about 4 cups of coffee.
- But it was a fun treat in an otherwise dangerous world. I'll miss it.
Panera Bread is finally getting rid of its "charged lemonade" — another chip away at our freedom.
In a world with few acceptable vices left — and a lot to worry about — Panera's "Charged Sips" were a bright spot.
Smoking, of course, is out, and vaping is for degenerate teens. Zyn might be acceptable in the field of stimulants you can do at the office, but I'm concerned about gum health. Moderate drinking, long the most socially acceptable pleasure, is even out, as more and more people are following the (sadly, probably true) advice of wellness podcasters that any amount of alcohol is unhealthy for you.
I'd only had a Charged Sip — its official name — one time: a size large Strawberry Mint Charged Lemonade. It was delicious! I don't usually drink sweet drinks, but it hit just right. And yes, I felt moderately energized, but nothing more than how I feel on coffee. I was disappointed. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the jitters and the sweats. I wanted the lemonade to mess me up.
As for Panera, I guess this was the wise move if you're a suburban lunch chain and one of your products becomes an internet meme that some have dubbed, fairly or not, "death lemonade," and you're facing multiple lawsuits. (Panera has said those are without merit.)
Of course, that people might have died or had serious health problems is tragic and serious. Panera's putting giant caffeine warning labels all over its menu, I guess, wasn't enough.
Bloomberg reported that over the next two weeks, the Charged Sips line will be discontinued in favor of a new low-caffeine, low-sugar line of lavender blueberry lemonade, pomegranate hibiscus tea, and two others.
But, for those who can handle the caffeine, what could be more freeing, refreshing, and exciting than guzzling down some forbidden Mango Yuzo Citrus Charged Lemonade? To release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin. Nothing else can do this for you, only you can chug it in.
So, farewell, Charged Sips. You were too beautiful an idea ("What if someone got zooted on caffeine while eating soup from a bread bowl?") for this world. I find comfort knowing you'll be reunited with your family — Sparks, Four Loko, and Jolt soda — in that big plastic cup in the sky.