Ask Amy: I’m about to give up on my one-way relationship with my brother
Dear Amy: After our teen years, my brother and I became close.
After my mother abruptly left town to be with another man, my brother and I were left to clean up the mess, literally and figuratively.
We worked well together. A year or two later he and his family moved far away. I did my best to keep in touch, but with schedule differences it became hard.
When we do talk, he keeps any conversation to about five minutes.
I noticed that I’m usually the one reaching out.
I asked him about this, and he said he would try harder, and that he missed our closeness. But he doesn’t try harder.
I have asked him if he doesn’t want a relationship, and he always says he does, but that he is just busy.
However, I see him and his wife interacting with our mutual friends on social media. (They quit interacting with me on my social media posts a few years ago.) I do not like how these relationships feel one-sided. I especially feel hurt when mutual friends say that they’ve talked with them recently.
After multiple attempts to get them to show up more in our relationships, I am feeling like I just need to walk away from any attempts to interact with them, since it feels like there is something that they are not being honest about.
They don’t even know of the declining health of our parents because they don’t reach out to them, either.
What should I do?
— Sad Sibling
Dear Sad: You have called out your brother and his wife, and you’ve presented their lack of interest as a binary: They are either in, or they’re out.
I think you should stop asking for or expecting anything more than you’re getting from them — an occasional five minutes here or there.
Your brother does not want to be in touch more often. If he did want more, he would either initiate or ask for more — the way you do.
He is not in contact with your parents, and connecting with you reminds him of this choice, which he likely feels guilty about.
You are thinking about walking away from the relationship, but I suggest that you only walk away from your expectations. You want to be closer. He doesn’t. This is a painful situation that you will have to work hard to accept. If you do less, he might do more — but there is no guarantee.
If you want to talk to your brother, reach out. Be honest about your own vulnerability: “I wish we were closer because I enjoy you and I miss you.” That’s it.
Dear Amy: I have only been able to use handicapped bathrooms for the last 10 years.
Many places only have one larger stall, which is often occupied by a non-handicapped person.
The regular stalls are empty, but I can’t use them and have to wait until the person comes out of the handicapped stall.
Often people using the stall are on their phones.
Recently, I was at a sports facility and the athletes were using the handicapped stalls, while more then 10 regular stalls were empty.
Have we become so uncaring that everyone just takes the “big” stalls, instead of caring about those of us who really need them?
— Holding It
Dear Holding It: I’m sorry you experience this frustration. These larger stalls are installed in every public bathroom to accommodate the legitimate needs of disabled people who need more room and possibly grab bars to use the facility.
But the other stalls in public bathrooms are so tiny that they can’t accommodate people who have luggage or young children with them (for instance).
It is common courtesy for any able-bodied person to make way for you to use the larger stall if they see you waiting, but if they don’t know you are waiting because they are in the stall, they can’t offer it to you.
I wonder if you could ask through the door: “Will you be in there long? Because this is the only stall I’m able to use.”
Dear Amy: “Torn in Wisconsin” asked you for strategies to deal with her very bright college drop-out son, who acted entitled, didn’t look for work, and played video games all day.
You should have suggested that this young man has ADHD!
— Another View
Dear Another View: These parents won’t know anything about what their son is experiencing if they don’t make some changes at home. ADHD might be an underlying cause.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)