Beautiful Celebrities Dressed by Mad Geniuses

I read somewhere that the theme for the 2024 Met Gala was the short story “The Garden of Time” by the ever-inspiring J.G. Ballard. I didn’t recall reading it, so I’ve taken the trouble to do so before moving on to contemplate the most interesting of my journalistic endeavors: the photos of the ladies. The one thing common with almost all the dresses I’ve seen are the flowers, which are also the focus of Ballard’s tale. Besides, the flowers are easy to identify with a simple visual analysis; other adjoining themes of the story, such as the passage of time, decay, and dystopia, present more difficulties. 

I did notice the decadence and dystopia in the clothes, but I didn’t see the passage of time anywhere, except on the faces of some actors and actresses who were famous when I was still wearing shorts to school. The most well preserved — and I expected no less — is Nicole Kidman, who after many years (to quantify them would be vulgar and would also force me to open Wikipedia) still looks beautiful and elegant in her Balenciaga attire. In regard to another legend from my adolescence, I saw nothing wrong with Demi Moore, whose dress by Reed, somewhere between flowers and a black butterfly, seemingly allowed her to float around the gala without touching the floor.

Allow me to open a libertarian parenthesis. When I was a young writer and I was crazy (not like now that I’m a crazy young writer), I would first write my opinion, and then, after it was published, I would reflect upon it. As one gets older — and more so in this time of cancellations — one increases one’s self-imposed filters. I say all this to avoid stating that Karol G’s dress, for example, was horrible; I can’t write it, among other things because I read in the specialized press that all the girls are fascinated with her orthopedic ankle support-colored dress, with diamonds hanging off of it, and crowned with pointed TikTok fairy-like ears.

Kendall Jenner, for example, in a Givenchy dress from 1999 that no one had used yet, looked incredibly beautiful, while Kylie Jenner, went for a vanilla-colored bodice inspired by the statues in Ballard’s tale, which perhaps explains the geometric forms of the part of the dress that covers her chest, although I see more of a Tesla inspiration there.

Sarah Jessica Parker showed up dressed as a 19th-century bedside table lamp, with a giant flake of popcorn on her head. Of course, upon seeing her, the press sang in unison, “How wonderful, she never disappoints!” At these things everyone extols eccentricity, and no one pays attention to normality; for example, the normality of Camila Morrone, who with two simple Chanel pieces became one of the prettiest of the whole gala. (By the way, Camila, do you have plans for tonight?)

I talk about the women’s dresses because the guys’ suits are boring, even if some like Nicholas Galitzine chose to embroider some flowers on the jacket: After seeing them up close, I would recommend urgently calling a gardener. I loved Irina Shayk’s outfit, completely unrelated to Ballard’s theme: It’s exactly what I would have done. Shayk, with her experience, probably figured that she is no longer old enough to make a fool of herself by dressing up as a nymph to fulfill some crazed designer’s dream. 

Gwendoline Christie’s interpretation of “The Garden of Time” puts her at the point of no return, on the verge of starring in one of those shock-horror B-movies, while Shakira’s red dress amazes me in that most of the fabric was used to cover the floor and not her body. More: Amanda Seyfried was disguised in floral tin foil; Serena Williams was stuffed into a hodgepodge of gold cellophane wrapper, as if she were a surprise trophy at the gala; Rita Ora could have gone full on naked with the slightest breeze blowing over her skimpy tassels; Prada tried to dress Brie Larson but came up with a work of contemporary art; Mindy Kaling dressed up as an orchid; Kylie Minogue left behind her usual sensuality to make way for a see-through dress on which she seemed to have accidentally dropped a chocolate syrup pancake; Emily Ratajkowski says she wore a spider web dress, but the truth is that she went to the gala with her ass out; and Cardi B, my favorite, needed a dozen assistants to move around the event, disguised as a huge black hole, dragging numerous guests, not few glasses, and part of the furniture along with her. I imagine that in the end the police had to rescue them all with the help of a vacuum-snob-cleaner. 

Overall, I thought this year’s gala was much better than last year’s, although I haven’t actually seen either of them.

Translated by Joel Dalmau.

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