The Rays pummel the White Sox, so let’s tour Chicago together

Only minimal highlights for a game that sucked absolute butt

Happy Tuesday, White Sox friends. You’d be in for a doozy of a recap today, because this game doesn’t deserve your attention, so you’ve earned a little treat for being such a graceful and loyal South Sider. Cubs fans could never (without the cognitive dissonance and toxic positivity).

In an effort to give my readers a more kinesthetically empathetic experience while we deal with the aftermath of these games, I’ve created the South Side Sox Sliding Scale of Suck:

As it stands at first pitch, I am already slightly annoyed by the lineup. By now, skipper Pedro Grifol should know that it doesn’t pay to give Tommy Pham a day off when he’s hitting the ball, but common sense doesn’t figure into his plans.

In an interview aired before the first pitch, Grifol claimed that Pham didn’t have spring training, he’s playing a lot, and he needs to be built up, so, “we gotta keep him healthy.”

Cool, Pedro. If that’s true, then why aren’t warm-ups and batting practice mandatory, you fucking moldy dick potato?

Sorry. The game hasn’t even started yet.

By the way, these Rays City Connect jerseys are so ugly, they’re hurting my eyes. Tampa’s social media graphics are in this 90s technicolor purple color, along with barbed wire, which screams “edgelord” from 2010s-era graphic design school at Gulf Coast State College.

Who am I kidding? The Rays have an embarrassingly better record than the White Sox, and if the South Siders took to the field donning full clown suits, I wouldn’t give a shit if they were winning games. Making fun of these uniforms is just my copium.

So here we go, the most boring game in the history of game coverage. But wait, White Sox friends. Why should I drag you down into the bowels of hell with me when I could be entertaining you, educating you, and providing insightful recommendations from yours truly?

As South Siders, you’re potentially unfamiliar with my neck of the woods. I’ve been a North Sider for more than a decade now, and have dragged many a South Side friend to my favorite neighborhood spots to show them how many White Sox fans live here.

Joe Mills Illustration

So during tonight’s game coverage, I’m going to take you on a virtual tour of my favorite spots in my neighborhood while covering this game live within the guide.

Wow, I feel better already!

Welcome to Edgewater: land of displaced White Sox fans. With no traffic, it’s only 10 minutes south on Lake Shore Drive to the Loop, since Edgewater is, well, on the edge of the water. You’ll notice the delightful lack of being stuck in traffic during most times in the day, because you won’t be going too far west or east. Around these parts, we call anything west of Clark Street “the west side.” OK, we actually don’t, that’s just a bit I do.

Korey Lee just threw out Randy Arozarena with his absolute cannon of an arm. Lee leads the majors in pop time.

The western part of the Edgewater neighborhood includes the area of Andersonville, which isn’t its own neighborhood, contrary to the belief of some visiting South Siders. Speaking of South Siders, let’s catch a game!

The first thing I did when I moved to Edgewater: Looked for a White Sox dive bar. I found it immediately, and quickly learned how dominated this neighborhood is by White Sox fans. Double Bubble, at 6036 N. Broadway, is a great place to catch a game with fellow White Sox fans. The bar’s owner, Larry, who refuses to get a website, is as pleasant as they come. I met him during my very first Edgewater Yard Sale, our annual neighborhood sidewalk sale, which may be a good time to visit if you haven’t before.

I managed to snag some pint and pilsner glasses from Double Bubble on Honorary Double Bubble Way, and Larry and I chatted about the White Sox, 2005, and hating the Cubs. Hell yeah, Larry.

Here comes our offense. Bryan Ramos base hit, followed by a Rafael Ortega line drive off the glove of Jose Caballero, who bobbled it for an error (E6). Doesn’t matter, White Sox stranded two.

For the best Sicilian you’ve ever tasted, and arancini that will visit you in your sweetest dreams, head a few blocks down to 5759 N. Broadway and stop by Sfera Sicilian Street Food.

This Edgewater gem is exceptionally tasty and was recently featured in the New York Times. If you hit up Sfera on a nice day, get it to go, and head to Kathy Ostermann Beach (also known as Hollywood Beach) — you can see it if you face east from Sfera, and is about a four-minute walk.

The Rays struck right back, scoring two in the bottom of the second, but that’s all despite having bases loaded with no out. Soroka actually did a pretty good job pitching out of it.

Hollywood Beach has no parking lot, so you’ll find it’s inhabited by the most delightful locals. cough. The beach house features bathrooms open to the public, free wifi, and a beautiful waterside bar with lovely curated cocktails.

Aura on the Lake is owned by the sommeliers at Uvae Wine Bar & Fromagerie, and if it’s hot enough when you visit, you’ll be transported to a magical land you never dreamed could exist in Chicago. Aura serves both concessions and features a full dine-in menu, in addition to the custom cocktails.

Uvae/Facebook

After a Yandy Díaz base hit, Di Billick favorite and current slumplord Randy Arozarena hits a home run, his sixth of the season. Rays are up 4-0.

While you’re at Kathy Ostermann/Hollywood Beach, you’ll notice that you’re at the entrance of the Chicago Lakefront Trail, which spans 18.5 miles all the way to 71st Street on the South Side. It’s pretty enough to persuade you to take your bike for your next visit. All along the trail are beaches, beach houses with restaurants, a public golf course, sports fields, harbors, and of course, stunning Lake Michigan.

Divvy

In the fifth inning, Paul DeJong had only the second hit for the White Sox, and Korey Lee followed his lead. In a weird deja vu moment, Nicky Lopez hit the ball hard to Caballero, who did the same exact thing he did in the second inning, for another E6. Gavin Sheets strands a bases loaded, because of fucking course he does.

Time for dessert? Head to First Slice Pie Cafe on the west side, i.e. 5357 N. Ashland (west of Clark) for the most delectable homemade pies. I can’t choose a single recommendation, so get a few; french silk, key lime, coffee toffee, Michigan sour cherry, blueberry cheesecake, and polka dot pie are among my favorites. I absolutely refuse to cut down that list.

First Slice Pie Cafe

Isaac Paredes opened the sixth inning with a solo shot, 5-0 Rays.

If you need to work off some of that sugar energy, head north to Chicago’s largest year-round plant sanctuary, Gethsemane Garden Center at 5739 N. Clark. In addition to the impressive greenhouse and cute indoor boutique, Gethsemane offers free workshops, seminars, and seasonal open houses and festivals, making it a family favorite of Northwest Edgewater’s community gathering spaces.

Gethsemane Garden Center

In the seventh, Paul DeJong blasts a solo shot, his fourth home run of the year. With the next hit belonging to Korey Lee, his second of the night, the White Sox had a total of five hits, with DeJong and Lee being responsible for four of them. 5-1.

Don’t give a shit about plants? Head to Dice Dojo at 5550 N. Broadway for one of the best free nerdy events in Chicago. Every Wednesday, from open to close, Dice Dojo hosts a world-famous board game night, where people gather to play tabletop games from a library of over 1,000 demo games, all totally free to the public.

Nothing else happened in the game that’s of note. I’m sorry. The South Siders’ eighth and ninth hitters got two hits apiece, with an absolute desert of offense otherwise, with two hits from spots 1-7. White Sox baseball is pure pain.

Edgewater honorable mentions:

• The vegan bánh mì at Alice & Friends Vegan Kitchen, currently temporarily closed for remodeling, but reopening soon, 5812 N. Broadway
• The sandwich that beat Bobby Flay at Big Jones, 5347 N. Clark
• Indie Cafe for sushi, a place I sometimes indulge in every single week, 5951 N. Broadway
• Falafel, hummus, khatchapuri, and the best back patio at Fiya, 5419 N. Clark
• Any, and I mean any bakery item at Lost Larson, 5318 N. Clark
• 68 beers on draft, plus delicious food, at famed gastropub Hopleaf, 5148 N. Clark
• Frozen custard and old-fashioned candy at Lickity Split, 6056 N. Broadway
• Patio Party and sports, great drinks, neighbors, and wood-fired pizza slices at Pizza Lobo, 5457 N. Clark

The White Sox fucking lost again. The Rays go for the fucking sweep again tomorrow, and just three recaps in I’ve already ruined my resolution to not be a buzzkill this season. I hope you enjoy Edgewater as much as I do.

Futility Watch

White Sox 2024 Record 8-28, worst 36-game start in White Sox history (1 game ahead of the 2018 White Sox, at 9-27) and tied with nine teams for ninth-worst in MLB history
White Sox 2024 Run Differential -92, tied with three teams for the 14th-worst 36-game start in MLB history
White Sox 2024 Season Record Pace 36-126 (.222)
Race to the Worst “Modern” 162-Game Record (2003 Tigers, 43-119) 7 games ahead
Race to the Worst “Modern” Record in a 162-Game Season (1962 Mets, 40-120) 4 games ahead
Race to the Most White Sox Losses (1970, 106) 20 games ahead
Race to the Worst White Sox Record (1932, 52-109-1*) 16 1⁄2 games ahead
Race to the Worst American League Record (1916 A’s, 38-124*) 2 games ahead
Race to the Worst MLB Record (1899 Spiders, 21-141*) 15 games behind
*record adjusted to a 162-game season