3 key steps to follow if you want to quit your toxic marriage – after Jay Blades’ ‘broken’ wife leaves TV star
AS Jay Blades’ “broken” wife announces their marriage is over, psychologist Emma Kenny reveals the three key steps to follow when your relationship hits breaking point.
Nobody ever leaves a happy relationship.
And there are always two sides to every story when a partnership breaks down.
But when Jay Blades’ wife, Lisa-Marie Zbozen announced that their 18-month marriage is over last Friday, she seemed to suggest life with the 54-year-old Repair Shop star had not been plain sailing.
In an emotional video, the 44-year-old fitness trainer, said she had tried to make the marriage work “over and over again”, but “couldn’t get it right”.
Research suggests as many as 20 per cent of married people feel “trapped” in their relationship.
Another survey found that almost half of married couples are only together because of their children.
One-sixth said they stayed in their relationship because they could not afford to be single.
As a psychologist who has navigated my own divorce — and helped many others do the same — I know the red flags that signal when it is time to move on, no matter how painful this may be.
Here, I offer my advice on recognising when and how to leave a problematic partnership . . .
1. HAS THE RELATIONSHIP TURNED TOXIC?
ONE of the biggest signs that your relationship has turned toxic is when you find yourself persistently being disrespected by your partner.
If your opinions are consistently ignored or ridiculed, and your partner dismisses your feelings or achievements, it’s a sign of deep disrespect.
I have worked with so many clients whose partners constantly made disparaging comments about them in front of their friends.
This shows a lack of respect and support, and also masks a seething resentment within the relationship.
It is essential to extricate yourself from this kind of partnership, because over time your self-esteem will be destroyed and you will find yourself a shadow of the person you used to be.
A partner’s job is to remind you what an awesome human being you are.
Their reflection of you has the power to become your perception of yourself, so it is essential to make sure that it is a positive one.
When I discovered my ex-husband’s adultery and confronted him, initially he denied it, then he tried to blame me for his actions.
This is very common when people know they are in the wrong and have a level of guilt over their actions.
Another red flag involves manipulation, which can manifest as guilt-tripping you into doing things you’re uncomfortable with, or twisting facts to blame you for their mistakes.
These tactics confuse and isolate you and often mean you feel a lack of security both in your surroundings and in the decisions you make on a day-to-day basis.
You may also have noticed that your partner has become more controlling.
Often this begins with small suggestions, where they tell you they prefer you in a certain outfit or when you wear less make-up.
But this behaviour will escalate into every area of your life, controlling who you see, where you go or even how you spend money.
They might even start to give you a monthly “allowance”, significantly limiting your financial independence, even though you are also working.
While all relationships experience conflict, if you are constantly arguing and no resolution ever seems to arrive, then it is likely that your relationship has reached its conclusion.
If you feel that the joy has left and it has been replaced with shouting and sulking, then the time has come to shake hands and move on, because these toxic traits tend to escalate, as opposed to reduce.
2. PLAN A SAFE EXIT STRATEGY
LEAVING a toxic relationship, especially when living together, can feel enormously daunting.
You are likely already exhausted, frustrated and deeply sad that something you worked hard at has failed.
Even though you may feel you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to plan an exit strategy, it will pay dividends if you do.
I asked my ex-husband to leave when I discovered his adultery.
This meant taking on the costs of running a house alone and accepting the fear and responsibility that came with it.
Getting organised was key, as was prioritising my children’s needs at a very traumatic time.
By focusing on what I could do, change and accomplish, I actually placed myself into an empowered mindset, as opposed to a helpless one.
First, get your admin head on, because I promise you that making sure you have your bank cards, passport, driver’s licence and financial documentation will be absolutely essential from the moment you leave your relationship.
Try to gather these together and keep them in a safe place, possibly outside the home, with a trusted friend or in a safety deposit box.
It can help to open a bank account in your name only and start saving money before you exit your relationship.
This fund will be essential for initial expenses post-separation, such as rent, food and possibly legal fees.
While it can feel dishonest to do this without your partner’s knowledge, you have to start thinking and acting like a single person who has a right to their own documents and bank accounts.
One of the key decisions you need to make involves where you intend to stay after you leave.
The support of close friends and family can go a long way in reinforcing why you have made the decision to leave.
When you finally leave your partner, it can help to leave at a time when they are not at home, to avoid confrontation.
I always advise my clients to do this, as it is normal to feel vulnerable and guilty when leaving a relationship. This can make you more likely to bend to your partner’s pleas if they are present when you are packing.
Put an emergency bag together with essentials like clothes, medication and personal items.
Leave a letter, send an email or give them a call to explain why you have left. This will allow your ex time to digest how you feel and give you that all important space to process your next steps.
3. HEALING AND MOVING FORWARD
NOW you are finally free of your toxic relationship, it is time to focus on your emotional healing.
I can remember the grief I felt when I discovered my first husband’s affair with one of my most trusted friends.
I knew immediately that I wouldn’t tolerate such a betrayal and asked him to leave that very night — but that was only the beginning of my journey.
Suddenly, I was a broke, 35-year-old single mum with a future that looked entirely different to the one I’d envisaged. I had to relearn who I was all over again.
And when you leave a toxic relationship, you still need to grieve.
Feeling sad, frustrated or lonely is normal.
But trust me, these feelings will be temporary and I promise that your future life will be invariably better, just as mine has been.
I grew in resilience, compassion, authenticity and courage, and this led to me believing I could achieve whatever I put my mind to.
I embraced being a single mum and I now have a husband who is genuinely my best friend and biggest advocate — and a new baby girl who reminds me on a daily basis that anything is possible.
If you are really struggling, then seek professional help.
A therapist can help you work through your emotions and make sense of the past relationship.
Sharing your experiences with others who understand can be incredibly validating.
If you need to maintain contact (for example, for co-parenting), set clear boundaries.
Use communication tools designed for divorced or separated parents, like OurFamilyWizard, to keep interactions straightforward and documented.
Expect that your ex will still try to use all the toxic tactics that led to the failure of your relationship in the first place.
The only way this behaviour will stop is through initiating these rigorous new rules and standards so they have no option but to fall in line with your requests.
This is empowering as it puts you back in charge of your choices, boosting your confidence as a single person.
Now you are free of your relationship, start working on your own needs.
Engage in activities that enhance your sense of self.
This could be a new hobby, course or fitness regime.
Reconnect with old friends to rebuild your support network.
Take time to reflect on what you’ve learned from the experience, too.
Understanding what went wrong can boost personal growth.
These steps not only foster recovery, but also empower you to build a healthier, happier future.
It can be truly terrifying untying the ropes of toxicity, but once these initial threads have been undone, you can finally be free to forge the life you truly deserve.
- For more help and advice, visit womensaid.org.uk or refuge.org.uk.
Additional reporting: YASMIN HARISHA