My wife wants me to have sex with other women
DEAR DEIDRE: After admitting that she prefers masturbation to sex with me, my wife has now suggested that we have an open relationship.
I’m loath to try it as it’s the intimacy I want, not just sexual stimulation.
I’m 48 and she’s 47. We’ve been married for 20 years and have two teenage sons.
Sex was never great between us. She never orgasmed, however much foreplay I gave her.
I tried sex toys, reading sex manuals, using all kinds of massage oils and lubricants. But nothing worked.
I assumed she had a physical or psychological problem that was stopping her from climaxing, and tried to convince her to get help – but she refused.
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Then, one day, I walked into the bathroom not realising she was in the shower.
She was masturbating, and clearly enjoying it greatly.
Afterwards, she admitted that she orgasmed through masturbation, and did it frequently – four or five times a week, in secret. She’d been doing this for the whole of our marriage.
I felt so rejected and inadequate. I asked her to tell me why she couldn’t climax with me.
She said she loved me, but she just didn’t find sex with me fulfilling.
I begged her to stop masturbating and to focus on our sex life, but she hasn’t. I know because I’ve overheard her doing it.
It hurts to know she’s enjoying herself alone when she doesn’t want sex with me.
Now, she has said that if I’d like, I can look for someone else to have sex with. She’s given me her blessing.
But I don’t think that will help. It’s my wife I want.
What can I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Many people enjoy masturbating and find it a more efficient way of achieving orgasm because they know what they enjoy and don’t need to please anyone else.
But it’s unusual for someone to opt for masturbation over sex entirely, when they have an otherwise happy and loving marriage.
I wonder if your wife has deeper issues around intimacy or her body.
Talk to her again and ask if she’ll have sex and relationship counselling with you. My support pack on Sex Therapy will tell you more about this. Also read Women and Orgasm.
Don’t consider an open relationship, as this is clearly not what you want, and will only create further problems.
Explain to your wife that this is not about the physical act of sex but about connecting with her.