Vanderpump Rules Recap: The San Francisco Treat
Since today is the day that I am apparently apologizing for things, I want to say sorry to Ariana for some of what I said in earlier recaps. I wanted her to at least tolerate Sandoval, to talk to him, or be around him for the sake of the show. I wanted her to get out of that house to do herself some good when Sandoval, the one who ruined everything, could have just as easily left. I wanted her to be far less full of rage when, as she points out, the dudes get to rage all the time and no one says anything at all.
Most of this sentiment came from her conversation with Brock, an Easter Island head who sidelines as a go-go boy. He asks her if she thinks she and Sandoval will ever be in a better place. “For whose benefit?” she asks. I would say that it is for the show’s benefit, and by the show’s benefit, I mean the fans’ benefit, but, really, we shouldn’t be asking anything so nasty of Ariana. Brock tells her that it would benefit Scheana, who feels stuck in the middle. Ariana then says, “The woman who I care more than anything about that he screamed at less than a week ago? I care more about her than to let her have people in her life that are going to scream at her like that.”
That’s when she tells Brock that she doesn’t need to be nice and sympathetic and get along with Sandoval, that her rage and anger are just as valid, and she should get to express them on a show where Schwartz once poured a drink on Katie’s head, where Jax raged at a number of his girlfriends, and DJ James Kennedy seemed like he was fueled by nothing but anger and Sugar-Free Red Bull vodkas.
During this trip to San Francisco, it dawned on me that Ariana may have been playing this right all along. Yes, I said she might have been a little too mean to Sandoval at the beach that once, but she was just getting him to accept her boundary: don’t speak to her. (Sandoval now seems to have internalized this.) This is the first time I’ve seen the whole group interact, and they were both able to seem engaged and deliver something to the show without also having to be at each other’s throats. They even talk to each other. So, yeah, I take it all back. Ariana, you do you.
The same goes for her new boyfriend, Dan, who is giving Brock a run for his money as a sexy Bravo boy. (Now, if only Dan would send his manbun to the same farm upstate where Brock sent his. Then he would be absolutely perfect.) But Dan’s attitude is that he’s going to hang out with his girlfriend and skip all group events where he might have to talk to Tom, which is fine with him. He doesn’t want confrontation, he doesn’t want drama, and — most importantly, for the longevity of his relationship — he doesn’t seem to really want to be on the show. This is just what Ariana needs right now: a guy who is the least extra.
As for the rest of the episode, it was pretty standard, if a little boring. Lala is throwing her birthday party and calls Sandoval to say, “You know you’re not invited, right?” He takes it way better than I ever would, but then again, I wouldn’t be so horrible to everyone around me that you couldn’t invite me to a fake speakeasy to see some new burlesque like it’s 2008 all over again. At the party, Scheana explains to Ariana and Lala that she misses Sandoval, and Ariana’s face, as if by reflex, retracts in on itself in the most hilarious grimace. It’s like someone just served her a cat piss burrito covered in baby diarrhea.
Next, we go to Sandoval’s concert at the El Rey, and he’s wearing a leather harness on stage. I’m sorry, Tom, but my culture is not your costume, and the gays want nothing to do with you. (Yes, the gays will forgive a hot guy with a bangin’ body for almost anything unless you piss off one of our pop girlies and then we will hound you into the ground for eternity or until the next season of Drag Race All Stars begins.) We even see Sandoval’s mom, Terri, come to check on her retirement savings. It’s currently stored in a Franklin Village bar named Schwartz & Sandy’s.
At the concert, Schwartz goes outside to talk to Jo, who is there for some reason and is not fixing her motorcycle in Mrs. Garrett’s living room. Does Jo have no self-respect? Tom Schwartz did her so dirty during their last conversation. He did her dirtier than Tom and Ariana’s rooms combined. Now, after leading her on for the better part of a year, he’s going to take her to San Fran with the crew so that he can seem even more like her boyfriend even though he’s not trying to date her. Even at the concert, he’s like, “Hey world, this is my friend Jo, who I’m going to marry in eight years.” Is this man absolutely incapable of giving a woman a straight answer? Jesus, Jo, get the heck out of here and don’t show your face until the reunion, when you take a dump right on both Toms’s shoes.
Once they get to San Fran, everyone goes on a boat trip that looks even more miserable than going for a Glee-themed brunch at the Platt-Galvin household. The water is brown, everyone is cold, the waves are terrible, and Brock, well, Brock just wants to drive the boat. Lala and Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney are wondering why boys always want to drive the boat. “Learn how to fuck a woman before you learn to drive a boat” is the truest and funniest thing ever to come out of Katie MSM’s mouth.
That night, everyone attends Brock’s Roaring ‘20’s Party, the theme that, like the Electric Slide and syphilis, refuses to die a dignified death. What’s even worse is they all get into very ornate costumes (the Black Widow look with the lacy gloves and the jewelry might be the best outfit Katie has worn in 11 seasons), and they’re at a normal restaurant. It’s not gangster themed. It’s not even speakeasy themed. Why are these people all in costume to go shiver on a rooftop bar on a freezing cold August night in San Francisco? (Also this is August in SF? All those terrible tech bros and that weather. There’s not enough Rice-a-Roni in the known universe.)
While they’re on the roof, Schwartz comes over to hang out with Katie and Ariana, and he’s happy that they’re all friends. He then makes Katie an indecent proposal. He says they should get back together for one night; just hop into bed and … eat junk food and scroll on Instagram while not talking to each other. I’m with Katie on this one, that shit is way more intimate than cunnilingus. I think he has a better shot of Katie letting him go down on her than sharing her Flaming Hot Cheetos while she watches old Fall Out Boy videos on TikTok.
The final scene is a weird one. Scheana takes Sandoval to the other side of the drizzly roof deck and asks him if he can apologize to Ariana for weaponizing her mental health against her. (“Weaponizing” is the new “gaslighting” where 99 percent of the people using it are wrong, and the 1 percent who are using it correctly are doing so ironically.) Scheana says that Tom said he couldn’t break up with Ariana because she threatened suicide (which I don’t even believe happened) and was sharing her intimate details with the world. She tells him not to respond, just to think about it, and he sighs like a petulant child who is upset that he has to say sorry for something when he thinks he didn’t do anything wrong.
That’s the thing about Sandoval: He won’t apologize because he still somehow thinks he’s the aggrieved party. He hasn’t apologized for anything, so why would he start with this, and why would he start now? Scheana thinks that if he does, it might bring the group together. Sorry, Scheesh. It’s over. It’s gone. The old world order is shattered, and you all just need to find a new way to press forward.
Just look at Ann, who is back there working at Something About Her Sandwiches, which will open (checks watch) any day now! She is working on the POS system, getting the signs well hung, and thinking about the menu. She hears a little sound coming from the walk-in refrigerator and hums a silly little tune while she checks out what is wrong. As she pulls open the door, she hears mumbling on the floor and Penny, the old COO, is gagged and tied up using at least three extensions cords. She is trying to shout and struggling, but Ann says, “Oh, it can’t be that bad. I spent two years working for Tom Sandoval. This is like a ski vacation!”