My husband blames his cheating ways on grief
DEAR DEIDRE: My husband cheated on me after his mother passed away and now blames his affair on his grief.
We’ve been married for 23 years. He’s 47 and I’m 51. My mother-in-law was a lovely lady. She was 71 and we got along so well. I was as heartbroken as he was when she died after a short illness.
She’d been great with our kids when they were growing up and she was a good friend to me.
Two weeks after her funeral, I saw some messages on his laptop when he’d left it open. They were from a woman who we both knew from school. They were absolutely filthy.
It was clear that they’d been having an affair and from what I could tell, they’d met up at least twice and had sex at her place.
His message was suggesting that he’d go around again later that week. I was so shocked that I was sick in the bathroom.
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I called a friend who told me that I had to confront him.
When he came in from work that evening, I was sitting at the kitchen table and I asked him to sit down. I told him what I’d found. He sat there in silence and looked so embarrassed.
He finally spoke up and told me he’d been a fool and that he had bumped into her and they went for a drink and it escalated from there. He said it was because he was grieving the loss of his mum.
I yelled and cried and he vowed to end it with her. I think he has done that now.
He’s creeping around me and our sex life is better than ever right now, but I can’t get past what he did.
I don’t think I can ever trust him.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: He’s betrayed you massively and that hurts but you clearly still love him because you’re still together.
Cheating isn’t acceptable but it isn’t unusual for somebody to have an affair after losing somebody they love.
He lapped up the attention from this person to escape the sadness, when he should have come to you.
You’re in the driving seat now. Insist that you have some couples counselling through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975), where you can shout or cry and show your true feelings in a controlled environment.
My support pack on bereavement explains where he’ll find emotional support.