My son is an addict. I want to charge him rent to live with us, but my husband disagrees. Which of us is right?

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• For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader feels their husband is enabling their son by letting him live with them for free.
• Our columnist says that the couple should seek outside support and marital counseling.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My son is 43 and living with us, I hope, for a short while. He broke up with his girlfriend and had nowhere to stay, and he's been back on drugs. With our help, he's on Suboxone, and he has had a full-time job for years, although he says he has no money to move.

I feel he should pay rent while he's here, and later we'll give it back to him when he's ready to move out to help with his expenses, but my enabler husband doesn't think we should make him do that. This is causing problems between me and my husband, which has always been the case when my son is around.

I thought we could start with a sum that would increase with the length of his stay to encourage him to leave sooner. Is that a good plan? What should we do?

Sincerely,

Unwilling Enabler

Dear Unwilling,

As parents we're constantly recalculating an equation we're certain will guarantee our children the best possible life — a life free of fear, loss, pain, and even discomfort. But, of course, there is no such equation. We can tweak the variables and change the division to multiplication, but try as we might, we'll never get a number that doesn't exist. At what point do we recognize the futility of pursuing perfection?

When we become parents, we are officially responsible for the well-being of this new human who has entered our lives. The responsibility never ends, not when they are 13, 18, 21, or middle-aged, because no matter the stage of life they've reached, we're still the only parents they've got, and we never stop needing our parents. That's why, when I get questions from parents, I start by centering my advice on empathy — both for parents and for their kids.

However, while the responsibility never ends, the frantic search for a formula that will guarantee our children perfect lives full of painless success and bottomless joy must stop. The sooner, the better.

I can already see the argument that will flood my inbox — "But why not aim for perfection so you can at least get as close to it as possible?" Because the pressure it puts on parents and kids alike is a surefire way to set everyone up for failure. Even when the "kid" in question is a grown man struggling with addiction with parents who are nearing retirement.

Parenting is trial and error. However you and your husband choose to handle your son's current crisis, as long as you do it with love and the best intentions, you will get it right enough. You are fulfilling your job as a parent just by showing up, helping your son get clean, and giving him a place to stay when he said he needed it.

There's an old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Which is my way of saying: Outside of crawling into your son's brain and making better choices on his behalf, you have no control over his decisions.

This is as true for you as it is for, as you put it, your "enabler husband." Maybe your son would do better with a firmer hand, maybe not, but ultimately, his choices are his own. The hard truth is that while you can try to make his path toward sobriety and success easier, his consequences are the result of those choices.

From your letter, I can see how hard you're trying to incentivize your son to get back on his feet, to stay off drugs, to keep his job, and to begin building a long-term financial future for himself.

Personally, I think your ideas are great. Charge him rent to keep him financially responsible and use the proceeds to help him save money. But since your husband doesn't like this idea, keep searching for a compromise. Depending on your son's personality, you could even try bringing him into the conversation. At 43 years old, there's a chance he will recognize the importance of not allowing this opportunity to get his life together to become a permanent surrender. He may even take your side.

Regardless of where you land, I highly suggest you join a Nar-Anon group and seek marital counseling. By joining Nar-Anon (a support group for people whose loved ones struggle with drug addiction) you and your husband will get the support and emotional tools you need to navigate tough decisions involving your son.

Marital counseling will help you resolve the long-standing conflict your son has become in your marriage. A couple's therapist will help you and your husband remain a team no matter what happens with your son. In this area, perhaps more than any other, you need each other. You're the only people in the world who are parents to this man. That means you're the ones most likely to understand this particular heartbreak.

And remember, you're both doing your best, and that makes you amazing parents.

Rooting for all of you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.