As a mom of 3 young boys, I'm always apologizing for how messy our house is. I need to stop.

• Every time I have someone over to my house, I apologize for the state it is in. 
• I'm a mom of three boys and our house is constantly being turned upside down by them. 
• I know that when they are out of the house, I will miss the chaos and mess that came with them. 

If you're coming over to my house for a playdate or any other social occasion, I can guarantee that the next words I say to you after "Hello" will be, "I'm so sorry about the mess."

Even if I've tidied up prior to my guests' arrival and the house is looking pretty organized, those words of apology will still come out of my mouth. It seems to be an involuntary impulse — and my husband thinks it's ridiculous. I don't think I've ever heard him say it, even when the house is genuinely a mess.

But as a mother, I know I'm not alone in doing it — most of my friends do it, too.

Why do we do it?

I know that my friends love me for me and would never comment on the state of my house or say anything to hurt my feelings. They're here to see me and my family so we can catch up and have a nice time together. But for some reason, I always worry about what the house might look like through their eyes and what opinions they might be forming about me if things are a bit chaotic.

We have three young boys, so our house frequently gets turned upside down when they make dens and play with their friends. I never care about the mess as long as they're happy and having fun. And trying to keep the house neat and tidy all of the time just feels like a bit of a waste of my time anyway.

Society still expects women, and mothers in particular, to be able to have it all and do it all. Many of us are juggling careers, childcare, responsibilities in the home, and much, much more. Our inner critics might be concerned that friends and family will perceive an untidy home as a sign that we've dropped the ball and are struggling to cope. I know this is the case for me. And when life gets overwhelming, the laundry will pile up and other chores may be neglected.

It's a defense mechanism

Georgina Sturmer — who counsels women through life challenges — explains that my apology isn't really an apology at all but actually a defense mechanism.

"It's a way to protect us from how we might feel if someone else sees our messy home — protection from anxiety, fear or embarrassment," Sturmer told Business Insider.

This is definitely the case for me, and I don't just apologize for the mess. If I'm cooking dinner for friends, I'll make excuses about its flavor, texture, or presentation before they've even tasted the food.

Sturmer says it's important to remember that we have no control over what people think of us. But for many of us it becomes a learned behavior to be self-critical and to offer apologies for trivial things. "Instead, I'd suggest noticing what it feels like when the urge to apologize comes over us and thinking about how it would feel to find a different way of coping and of reassuring ourselves," Sturmer said.

The reality is that when our children grow up and have moved out, we'll inevitably feel wistful for the noisy, messy and laughter-filled days at home. We won't remember the sticky surfaces or wish that we'd tidied up more.

So I've decided that the next time my friends come over, they'll be greeted with a "Hello" followed by a "Come in, it's great to see you". We'll step over the Lego, cars and trains, leave the kids to go wild, and just enjoy being together.