Harriette Cole: My daughter’s dream was unrealistic, so I managed her expectations
DEAR HARRIETTE: “Filmmaker in the Making” wants to drop their mother’s plan to go to law school so they can pursue their dream of becoming a filmmaker.
What they need to ask themselves is, what are the chances of my success? How much competition will they have for an actual job?
As an HR professional, I would get hundreds of résumés for a job everyone thought they were qualified for — perhaps thanks to mothers telling them they were “special”?
My daughter had similar ambitions to work for a film company, but we managed her expectations. Today she is an attorney for that film company.
— Mother’s Wisdom
DEAR MOTHER’S WISDOM: I appreciate getting different perspectives on this topic.
The big picture, of course, is that parents want to protect their children and guide them to live fulfilling, independent lives. This can be hard to do while also giving them space to pursue their dreams.
Sounds like your guidance turned out to satisfy your daughter. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as smoothly.
I appreciate your approach and will add that while we can give our children advice, we do also need to give them space to make their own decisions.
Wearing your HR hat, you have given keen insight for all of the parents out there reading this. Yes, your child is special, but so are thousands of other applicants. We need to help our children be optimistic and realistic at once. Thank you for your input!
DEAR HARRIETTE: Is it considered inappropriate or unreasonable if I request money back that my boyfriend borrowed?
I know that there is a fine line between borrowing and giving, especially in a relationship.
My boyfriend bought a car but then was laid off because of low profits at his workplace. Over a period of four months, I covered his car expenses — $782 monthly. Although I offered proactively when he was struggling, I was under the impression that it was a loan since we did mention the word “borrowing” at the time.
It has now been six months, and I have yet to receive repayment. I feel hesitant about bringing up the topic with him.
— Borrowed Money
DEAR BORROWED MONEY: Being clear about money matters is important for the health of any relationship, especially with your partner.
Because there was a lot of stress when your boyfriend was laid off, you helped him without creating terms about what that meant. It is not too late to double back to discuss it.
Tell him you need to discuss a sensitive matter, then sit down and lay it all out. Explain that it has been six months since his financial crisis. As he knows, you paid for his car expenses during that time with the understanding that he would reimburse you. Ask him if he has a plan to do so because time has passed and you would like him to pay you back now.
If he balks and says he thought you gave him the money, remind him that he asked to borrow it. You did not give it to him, and you feel it is important that he pay you back in a timely manner.
Also, tell him that you think the two of you should talk about finances and the future in a more direct way. As you build your relationship, these are essential topics if there’s a chance of you having a life together.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.