Emotionally Mature People Never Do These 3 Things In Relationships (But Narcissists Do)
A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy shares the three red flags to differentiate emotionally mature people and narcissistic people in relationships.
They don’t stonewall you or give the silent treatment. They don’t mistreat people who’ve treated them well.
People with emotional maturity exhibit healthy patterns of communication. They have integrity and transparency, but also tact when expressing their emotions, and treat others, especially those who’ve treated them well, with dignity, fairness, and respect. When questions or conversations arise about the relationship or friendship (provided it is a healthy one, where there is reciprocity and the person sharing these questions or bringing up topics is not toxic), the emotionally mature person meets them with an eagerness to emotionally validate, listen, and understand the perspectives of others. For example, a husband or wife with emotional maturity would take the time to take the concerns brought to them by their spouse seriously. They would care about and be mindful of the way they are affecting the emotions of the spouse, or engaging in actions that may be hurtful. They would treat the ones closest to them with the utmost kindness and consideration. A narcissistic person, on the other hand, often take their significant others or other loved ones for granted, and often mistreat them the most. When you bring up valid concerns about the relationship, they may say gaslighting phrases like, “I am not doing this anymore!” and storm out of the room, abruptly stonewalling you. Or they may subject you to long periods of the silent treatment to cause emotional torment and uncertainty, so the victim feels silenced and invalidated. As we’ll discuss more in the concluding section on gaslighting, narcissistic also attempt to pathologize the victim to make victims seem like the problem, depicting the victim as “crazy” for daring to speak out about their emotions, or attempts to get their needs met in healthier ways. Unfortunately for these types of emotionally immature people, mistreating kind people with cruelty and neglect as a pattern often backfires eventually, as victims begin speaking to one another about what they experienced, and gain validation that they were never the problem.
We can see this, for example, in popular culture and media as high-profile celebrities and victims of manipulation or mistreatment have spoken out in public about what they experienced from such partners or friends on a mass scale, using interviews or memoirs (i.e. Britney Spears exposing the true nature of her conservatorship and the way she was mistreated by Justin Timberlake, who cheated multiple times) to expose the patterns of the people that harmed them, only to discover that this behavior tends to fall into a larger pattern of the emotionally immature or narcissistic person and how they have mistreated many different people for a long period of time (i.e. Justin Timberlake also allegedly cheated on his current wife, so we know Britney’s experiences are only the tip of the iceberg). These serial patterns always come to light – whether it’s on a smaller scale through ordinary victims coming together and sharing their stories, or whether it becomes an exposé read all over the world, the gaslighting of such manipulators never truly succeeds in the long run.
They don’t minimize what you contributed to their relationship through either their actions or words.
Healthy, empathic people with emotional maturity know how to look beyond their ego to assess and self-reflect. Part of their introspection includes asking questions to themselves like, “Am I being fair in how I am treating this person? Does this person truly deserve this treatment?” and being self-aware enough to remember what the other person has contributed to the relationship and the value they have brought to their lives, while also remaining diligent about any red flags. They know when to apologize if they have truly done something wrong, and they also know how to take a step back when they haven’t and hold others and themselves accountable when needed. For example, a person with emotional maturity may apologize if they noticed they accidentally neglected someone who had been there for them for years due to being busy and make amends by taking concrete actions (like a caring gesture or spending more time with that person) to be more attentive long-term. On the other hand, narcissistic people will often lash out and issue unwarranted punishment to people in extremes for perceived slights, or because they received constructive and healthy feedback that contradicted their grandiose self-image or simply because a person threatened their ego. Following the same example, a narcissistic person who is asked by their partner to be more attentive would usually double down and do the opposite out of spite, or even subject their partner to more cold and callous indifference, becoming defensive when held accountable. In their distorted viewpoint, they feel entitled to treat people however they wish. They may even proceed to punish their partner long-term for that one comment or perceived slight by withholding and withdrawing.
They don’t gaslight you or emotionally invalidate you.
If met with valid concerns and questions, emotionally mature people do not try to gaslight you into believing your perception of reality is skewed or try to make you believe that you do not have a right to your emotions, or that your experiences aren’t valid. They will come from a place of wanting to understand you and better meet your needs. A narcissistic person will try to make you seem defective for having emotions at all. They will try to paint you as strange for having basic boundaries and needs (i.e. a narcissistic boyfriend who is cheating may tell you that you are paranoid for asking why they came home so late at night after a year of love bombing you with excessive attention, or a narcissistic wife may tell you that you’re being a baby for bringing up a hurtful remark they made after presenting a false image of being caring and kind). This emotional invalidation and gaslighting are designed to destabilize you and silence you so they can evade accountability. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist or even a psychopathic individual, it’s important to seek validating professional support to process your traumas. You are not alone, and help is out there.