Erick Fedde deserved better, but White Sox still get embarrassed by the Twins

A record-breaking start can’t stop the losing. Plus, things that would get me to enjoy the worst White Sox team in history

Happy Tuesday, White Sox friends, and happy birthday to hypothetical slugger Gavin Sheets. We’ve got a lot to unpack today, so I’ll open with a quote from South Side legend Bill Veeck:

“The most beautiful thing in the world is a ballpark filled with people.”

That would make the 2024 Chicago White Sox hideous. Mirror-shattering. Handsomen’t.

Luckily, the White Sox faced the Minnesota Twins tonight at Target Field, and not at home, where a sea of empty seats looms for the foreseeable future. Despite the Twins and the White Sox ranking 29th and 30th in hits per game, Minnesota doesn’t have any issues with fan attendance, even with an exciting Timberwolves playoff game going on across the street at Target Center.

I broke a sweat when Erick Fedde showcased promising back-to-back punch outs in the first inning before giving up a few hits, and the Twinkies scored early, but Fedde wouldn’t give up another run. He was in control and at his best, with a career-high 11 strikeouts and, magically, real run support. Finally, much-deserved offense backing for a great start from Fedde.

Pablo López started for Minnesota, but was pulled after the fourth inning despite striking out the last three batters he faced — a stark contrast to Fedde, who retired 16 in row and walked no one, shutting down the Twins after the first and going a full seven innings. He continues to improve his control with every game, and his dominance may have been the fuel that fired the White Sox bats tonight.

Yes, just as you feared a stellar pitching performance may be wasted, the dormant White Sox offense emerged in the fourth inning, like the double-cicada hatchlings arising from their lengthy hibernation holes. Danny Mendick, who’s now had four hits in two nights, opened the inning with a single, and birthday boy Sheets walked. Then somehow, a miraculous feat: Eloy Jiménez hit a three-run home run, his second of the entire season, and the White Sox took the lead, 3-1.

In the seventh, Byron Buxton singled, followed by resident slowpoke Carlos Santana moseying around the bases and somehow making it all the way to second on a double. During that 20 minutes, Buxton scored, cutting the White Sox lead to just one.

Just as my miserly ass was feeling vexed as hell by the apathy that Andrew Benintendi has contributed to the worst season start in White Sox history, triumph! Danny Mendick once again came through with a double, then quickly stole third. Eloy walked, and stole second, which wasn’t being covered, and may be the only stolen base we’ll see from him all year.

Then in stepped Benintendi, who fired a line shot to center, scoring both Mendick and Eloy. Without that stolen base by Jiménez, we’d have been tied in the eighth after Trevor Larnach’s two-run homer off of Michael Kopech.

All those puzzle pieces clicking together almost won the game for the White Sox tonight, but then the dominoes fell.

Steven Wilson came in to close in the ninth, with the win in the South Siders’ sights. Wilson hadn’t given up a single run in the month of April — until he did.

Buxton, bane of our existence, hit a solo shot, tying the game at five. It could have gone into extra innings, but then Benintendi misread an easy floater to left, which fell for a double and put ducks on the pond with one out. You’re back on my shitlist, Benny. After a K for out No. 2, The Twins had a devastating, full-count, walk-off hit by Alex Kirilloff, who squeezed a grounder past second base to take the game, 6-5.

Let’s not allow this White Sox loss to take anything away from Fedde’s stellar performance, and let’s not fail to applaud an offense that dragged itself out of the gutter of hell. It’s good to see.

Jokes aside, all sports are a mental game. There are good players on our team, who are stuck because everything else is a dumpster fire. If you believe that Major League Baseball players can all be horrible of their own volition and their performance doesn’t depend on the atmosphere of the club as a whole, I have a bridge to sell you. We can joke all we want about the offense, but we should understand that fact.

This loss made me think of what it would take to get me excited about going to a White Sox game in this horrendous era of stink. White Sox marketing department, feel free to lift any of these whimsical promotions from the fantasy world inside my head.

American Ninja Warrior Day

A rock-climbing wall behind the mound. Roaring flames obscuring the bases. A deep mud pool in the outfield. A dangerous right field trapeze. Slides, just for us, so we can go onto the field and slide down when all the players have succumbed to their injuries, since huge slides are fun as hell. It’s baseball with dangerous obstacles, i.e. the sickest shit imaginable. Maybe the worst idea, but the best in my fantasy.

Caleb Williams Night

I know the NFL draft is in two days, but the extreme suck of the White Sox has resulted in me thinking about Chicago’s top football prospects. I want a pregame interview with Caleb, mic’d commentary of the game from the booth, and a postgame analysis mostly talking about who he thinks should be removed from the White Sox organization immediately.

Errands Night

For those of us who are overworked and middle-aged, an all-access amenity concourse will help in alleviating the guilt we feel when we catch a game and neglect our Earthly responsibilities. A tax booth, dry cleaners, barber, and a pet wash are on the upper concourse, so my procrastinating ass can act like an adult while I’m fuming about the worst team in White Sox history.

Final Fantasy Night

The beloved video game series being showcased at a White Sox game would be ridiculous, stupid, and I’d pay five times the regular price of tickets to witness it. All players would be required to cosplay during the game, potentially obscuring their athletic performance. But they’d lose anyway, so we may as well do what my fantasy dictates. All music would be scored by Nobuo Uematsu, who can go balls to the wall to One Winged Angel on the beloved Nancy Faust organ. My Final Fantasy-loving friends and I (10 people, max, and the only people in the whole stadium besides the players and employees) may break the record for highest attendance of the 2024 season.

The Chicago Zorb Sox

The Chicago Zorb Sox game, where all the players on both teams have to navigate inside their own individual Zorb (human-sized hamster balls), would be hilarious. How will they throw the ball? Will they jump headfirst into the Zorb after they hit the ball? The injuries that have plagued the White Sox over the past few seasons (maybe due to practice being mandatory, eh, front office?) have been plentiful and avoidable. Even Eloy Jiménez got shards of wood in his fucking eyeball in the sixth inning tonight after hitting a broken-bat single. Zorbs would impede, but they’d also protect.

Andrew Benintendi Tomato Throw Day

For just this moment, disregard the thing I said above about the bats being cold due to the organization’s lack of leadership, and let’s imagine throwing tomatoes at Benintendi. I don’t need to justify my fantasy of throwing tomatoes at him, and neither do you, because coming into tonight’s game, he was batting .158, an average inconceivable to even storied suckmaster John Gochnaur. The thing about Andrew Benintendi Tomato Throw Day is that I created this graphic before the eighth inning tonight, when Benintendi lined one to center field to score Mendick and Jiménez, to almost secure the win. Then he messed it all up and made me glad that I made this graphic of him dripping with ketchup, his mouth agape. Twenty points if you get one in his mouth.

The White Sox are now 3-20, and on pace for a 21-141 record. The third game in the series is tomorrow at 6:40 p.m. CST, and I won’t blame you if you abandon watching it for the fantasies inside your head.

Futility Watch

White Sox 2024 Record 3-20, worst 23-game start in White Sox history (beating out 1948, at 4-18-1), tied with three teams for second-worst in MLB history
White Sox 2024 Run Differential -79, tied for fifth-worst 23-game start in MLB history
White Sox 2024 Season Record Pace 21-141 (.130)
Race to the Worst-Ever White Sox Record (1932, 52-109-1*) 31 1⁄2 games ahead
Race to the Most-Ever White Sox Losses (1970, 106) 35 games ahead
Race to the Worst-Ever American League Record (1916 A’s, 38-124*) 17 games ahead
Race to the Worst-Ever MLB Record (1899 Spiders, 21-141*) TIED
*record adjusted to a 162-game season