Dear Abby: Decades after their ugly divorce, my parents still keep bringing it up
DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for 30 years. It was an unpleasant divorce because Dad had an affair with a woman he worked with and married her soon after. Mom was devastated. She and Dad were high school sweethearts.
Both have moved on from this — sort of. Dad has since divorced, remarried and divorced again. He's now with a woman he isn't married to, but who is wonderful to him. My mom remarried to a lovely man she knew in high school. But she still talks about my dad and how he hurt her.
I knew about the affair when I was younger and, as I grew older, I discovered there had been many more affairs with other women. Mom takes some responsibility for the divorce. She mentioned that she wasn't always "there" for Dad because she had young children and was tired.
I recently saw my father. He talked about Mom and opened up a new can of worms. He confided that he always wanted to be a "one-woman guy" and have one wife, but not only was my mom rarely "there" for him, but they also didn't have relations for the first two years of their marriage.
Both parents are getting up in age now. Knowing this and the continuous blame game, should I bring this up to Mom the next time she talks about Dad in a negative light or let it go? — PULLED IN TWO IN FLORIDA
DEAR PULLED: If you bring up what your father told you, it will only stir the pot. Let it go. But before you do, tell your mother you know the divorce was hurtful to both of them, and you would appreciate it if she wouldn't discuss it with you further.
As to your father, he had no business discussing what he did with you. If he brings it up again, remind him that his marriage to your mother was only his first marriage, and you don't want to hear it again because it was inappropriate.
DEAR ABBY: We have a couple we occasionally invite over for games and dessert. For the last several months, they have been asking me if the dessert I've made is from a mix. They are not joking; they are serious. I'm a good cook and baker. They've eaten here often and know I cook from scratch. I try to make something special every time they come. To ask if I used a mix is an insult and very hurtful.
I tried showing them the recipe for whatever dessert I've made for an evening, but it hasn't put the issue to bed. I invite them to our home less often because of this. If it were just me, I'd quit seeing them altogether, but my husband plays golf with the husband, and I don't want to mess that up.
How can I figure out why this started and get them to stop? If I get into it when it happens, it will ruin our evening. — TRYING TO GET ALONG IN NEVADA
DEAR TRYING: Call the wife and ask her calmly and privately why she and her husband keep doing this. Remind her that she knows darn well that you prepare the food you serve them from scratch, and you are puzzled about why she has been implying that you didn't. Then let her explain.
After that, ask if she and her husband would prefer that, instead of you spending hours in the kitchen before their visits, you simply order pizza and a salad?
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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