I suspected my wife was cheating on me with a man, the truth was doubly worse
DEAR DEIDRE: When a friend told me my wife was cheating on me, I set out to trap her.
So I deliberately came home early from work one day — and found her in bed having sex with two men.
I’m so shocked and angry I haven’t spoken to her for more than a week.
I’m 42 and she’s 39. We’ve been married for ten years.
I suspected she might be playing away for months but didn’t want to believe it.
There were lots of signs. She was secretive, unaffectionate and uncommunicative.
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Then a friend told me he needed to talk to me.
He said he was sorry but thought I needed to know that he’d found my wife’s profile on a dating site. I was angry with him and told him he must be mistaken. But part of me knew he was telling the truth.
I’m an HGV driver and often work away, which gives her plenty of opportunity to have an affair.
I should have confronted her then, but I didn’t have the courage. And anyway, she would probably have lied.
So last week, I told her I was going away for three days, when I was only going for two.
On the third day, I returned home in the middle of the afternoon.
I heard noises from the bedroom above.
Shaking, I went upstairs and opened the door, expecting to see her with a lover.
To my shock, she was naked in bed with not just one, but two guys.
I saw red and had to run downstairs and outside before I punched someone.
Since then, I haven’t been able to look at my wife, let alone speak to her.
She keeps apologising, but I am too full of rage and hurt. I don’t know what to do.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Shock and anger can often make it difficult to think straight.
But avoiding your wife is just prolonging the pain and misery. This situation will not resolve itself.
You do not say if you want to try to resolve this. But either way, now is the time to talk.
She clearly wants to and she sounds contrite.
Be honest with her about your feelings, tell her how let down you feel and ask her why she has decided to cheat.
It will be hard to overcome the images of what you saw. But if you both want to rebuild trust and make your marriage work, it is possible with effort and time.
My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help.
Also consider counselling for couples. You could arrange this through tavistockrelationships.org.