Soldier wrestles with starting a profile on LinkedIn or OnlyFans
FORT CAVAZOS, TX — In a dilemma increasingly common among service members, Army Specialist John Richards is facing a tough career decision: whether to start a professional profile on LinkedIn or to dive into the world of content creation on OnlyFans.
“It’s a real crossroads moment for me,” Richards admitted while scrolling through his phone. “On one hand, LinkedIn could help me network and land a solid job after the Army. On the other, I hear you can make a killing on OnlyFans just by showing off your daily PT routine and doing feet stuff.”
Richards’ squad leader, Sgt. First Class Mike Bossman, is perplexed by the situation. “I told him to think about his future, maybe get some certifications or a degree, definitely invest in his TSP. Next thing I know, he’s asking me if he should invest in a ring light or a thong.”
Human Resources specialists at Fort Meade have noted an uptick in similar cases. “We’re seeing more soldiers torn between traditional career paths and the lure of fat stacks of cash for showing their hooahs,” said Staff Sgt. Laura Sanchez. “It’s the 21st-century version of ‘Should I reenlist or get out?’”
Richards’ indecision has sparked debates among his peers. “Some guys are all about LinkedIn, saying it's about who you know and building connections,” said Pvt. First Class Melissa Melly, a fellow soldier. “Others are like, ‘Dude, make bank on OnlyFans and retire by 19.’ It's wild.”
The Army’s Career Counselor, Capt. Harold Serious, advocates for a more traditional approach. “LinkedIn is a powerful tool for professional development. OnlyFans, however, isn't exactly what we'd recommend for long-term career planning. But then again, I’m not the one potentially making thousands showing off my PT shorts and selling toilet water.”
Meanwhile, social media experts see this as an evolving trend. “The line between personal branding and outright self-promotion is blurring,” said Dr. Rachel Nguyen, a social media analyst. “For some, the choice between LinkedIn and OnlyFans represents the broader conflict between stability and risk-taking in the digital age. And, the numbers show these decisions will be really important for this generation as they progress in their careers. We don’t think any future generals will rise to the rank of 4-star without showing a little back hair on OnlyFans or getting that professional headshot on LinkedIn. The answer may in fact be that they’ll have to do both.”
As for Richards, the decision remains a tough one. “I guess I could start with LinkedIn and see how it goes. Snapchat is a little too sus these days for me, and I can’t dance so TikTok is out,” he said. “But if LinkedIn doesn't pan out, who knows? I could always go full tool and sell my soul to the Mil Twitter gods. No, I’m not going to call it X.”
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.