What I Thought My Life Would Be Like After Decanting All My Spices into Mason Jars
1. My decision to spend sixteen dollars on these Mason jars would inevitably coincide with a sudden, inexplicable change in my personality, from someone who eats luncheon meat straight from the packet to someone who regularly uses fenugreek.
2. The twenty seconds I used to spend looking for the cumin, I would instead devote to loftier pursuits, like marveling at how easy it is to find the cumin.
3. I would automatically become the best, most well-adjusted and anxiety-free version of myself. An aura of uncluttered calm would radiate from me, bathing my interlocutors in a golden, turmeric-scented glow.
4. Did I mention that I would regularly use fenugreek?
5. The need to alphabetize my spices would compel me to take up calligraphy. Once I had hand-written and affixed all the labels, I would continue to practice calligraphy daily, becoming so proficient that I win several local competitions.
6. I become a home organization influencer—despite deleting all social media.
7. With all the time I save not being on social media and all the money I make as an influencer, I am able to spend hours cooking lavishly expensive food. I then photograph and post the food to Instagram, which I have re-downloaded and then deleted again by the time the photos are uploaded.
8. I would reconnect with old friends I’d lost touch with, all of whom would start keeping their spices inside Mason jars too, because once you’ve seen a pantry like mine, the sight of any edible substance contained inside its original packaging instantly makes you want to weep or throw up.
9. Dinner parties between these friends and me would invariably involve elaborate, twelve-course meals featuring exotic dishes from around the world. We would all compliment each other on our judicious use of ras el hanout.
10. My salt would be massive and pink.
11. My peppercorns would be all the colors of the rainbow.
12. My sleep would be greatly improved by the comforting knowledge that, should I get a midnight hankering, I could run to the kitchen and locate the harissa in mere seconds. There it is, see! Right between the garam masala and herbes de Provence!
13. My therapist would find the Mason jar thing psychologically interesting. She would suggest that it’s not really cinnamon and oregano that I’m obsessively sealing inside tiny glass containers, but my emotions. I would smile and shake my head before correcting her. She would apologize and refund me for the session.
14. I would succeed in all my endeavors, both personal and professional.
15. I would probably make my own muesli.