How the White Sox can go from worst to best in a single season

Yes, it’s just what you’re thinking: An exclusive interview with a temporarily magical White Sox oracle

Happy Tuesday, White Sox friends, and happy rain postponement. My typical opening greeting was changed from “fans” to “friends” due to the recent exodus of a huge horde of South Side supporters of the team. But like true fans, you’re still here with us, and for that, we thank you.

I returned to an absolute shitshow following an early-season sabbatical after spring training, the likes of which none of us have ever seen, unless you’re at least 124 years old and were mentally present at birth.

The abysmal 2-14 start, on top of the plethora of pre-existing dissension, such as the return of a nameless controversial starter, poor team management, and maximum suckage on all performance fronts, is challenging the mettle of even the most loyal fans. Even other nearby teams are trying to cash in on the South Side collapse.

I’m walking distance to Wrigley, but you wouldn’t catch me dead in the Denial Den without the traveling team’s jersey on my back. White Sox fans know their team sucks a bag of dicks, and we’re not willing to part with reality for a weird, convoluted idealism that’s centered on capitalism, because ticket sales, guys!

I’d rather go the extra miles to Crestwood to catch a Thunderbolts game.

Di Billick

Horrendous record aside, the thunderstorm that postponed tonight’s game has spoiled the major league debut of No. 11 prospect Jonathan Cannon, an absolute towering unit of a righty sent up from Triple-A Charlotte. His start tomorrow in the opener of the double-header will mark the third time in history that the White Sox have had a new starting pitcher debut on back-to-back games, after fellow righty Nick Nastrini’s start yesterday.

Cannon is 6´6´´ and has a storehouse of pitches to choose from, the top being his cutter, and his 90+ pitch counts will likely get him to at least five innings per start, you know, like a real starter. No telling how long Nastrini or Cannon will be in the big leagues, as resident runagate Pedro Grifol said Monday that the two noobs were called up to give starters Eric Fedde and Garrett Crochet some additional rest.

But even if all our pitching prospects turn out to be diamonds in the rough, the White Sox offense is so dead, they’d be better off with a recovering Luis Robert Jr. operating robotic offense drones from the outfield.

The atrocious team batting average of .196 is insurmountable, and the season is all but dead.

Or is it?

In order to get the inside scoop on why the 2024 White Sox are so horrendously bad, I snuck into the locker room before tonight’s game, just ahead of the imminent thunderstorm headed our way. To my chagrin, I was found in Eloy Jiménez’s empty locker by a janitor, and I dashed as quickly as my legs would take me, as to not be arrested for trespassing.

Security was on my tail as I fled to obscure myself in the home dugout, when the sudden downpour thwarted my capture, and I was able to sneak away. I decided that there was no better time to check out the new food offerings of Guaranteed Rate Field than while I waited out the rain. Suddenly, a rapturous lightning bolt cracked down, narrowly missing me, and striking the one shining light in the 2024 White Sox season: the campfire milkshake beside me.

The congealed bomb of saturated fat, with more sugar than an adult human should consume in an entire week, sprang to life in front of my very eyes, revealing itself to be an all-knowing font of White Sox wisdom.

Unlike your average self-important, know-it-all sports journalist, the campfire milkshake has the true inside scoop on the White Sox clubhouse, and it spoke earnestly and without restraint. I was able to get an exclusive interview.

Di Billick Why won’t Pedro Grifol be earnest in press conferences?

Sentient Campfire Milkshake: Because he’s a coward.

Yeah, he is a coward. Why won’t he tell the truth? Shake things up? Pressure the team?

Because he’s a bad manager.

Who should replace him?

A.J. Pierzynski.

That’s a hot take. Why?

Why? Guess what happens when you fucking hate losing as much as he does. That’s right. You win.

If Jerry Reinsdorf were to sell the team, who should buy it?

The Ishbia Brothers. They already own property in the North Shore, they’re great team owners, and the White Sox are a built-in win for them; for fans, the bar is in hell, so anyone outside of Reinsdorf who shows even a modicum of care to the franchise will be instantly beloved. The fans will return. All will right itself.

Damn, Sentient Campfire Milkshake, you’re smart as hell.

Thanks.

What is the first thing the White Sox can do to improve their record?

Allow me to answer that question with another question. What do the two worst sports teams in Chicago have in common?

Hmm, White Sox and Bulls ... Jerry Reinsdorf?

Yes, Jerry Reinsdorf.

So you’re saying that if Jerry sells the team, the rest of the trash will take itself out?

The White Sox can turn one of the worst starts in franchise history into one of the most redeemed seasons in all of baseball history. They can go from worst to best with one single move: Getting rid of Reinsdorf. After selling the team, the losing factors in the organization would fall like dominoes, one after the other, and the White Sox would start making the moves to win. This would instill confidence in the players, who are of good quality, and they could potentially walk away with the division title. But all of this would have to happen by May.

Seems unlikely.

Yes, unlikely.

Who’s the best offensive player on the White Sox this year?

All of them are offensive.

No, sweet and sassy, who is the best hitter on the White Sox this year?

No one.

That’s not possible. Gavin Sheets?

I said: No one.

[At this point, Sentient Campfire Milkshake began to froth a little, so I moved on because I was scared.]

Did you know that people are traveling from all over just to try you? You’re basically the star of the 2024 White Sox.

That’s sad. I’m a milkshake. How fucked is it that I’m the leading news story for the White Sox, a team that made the playoffs a few short years ago? It’s pathetic. How will this franchise recover? We’re worse than the A’s! Do you understand how seriously fucked that is?

How many games do you think the White Sox will win this year?

Same as my saturated fat grams: 49.

If White Sox fans want to enjoy good baseball, who should they watch, or what games should they attend?

The Milwaukee Brewers. Chicago is an hour-and-a-half away from American Family Field, a nice ballpark in a lovely city. Although, comparatively, their food isn’t better. You don’t see motherfuckers flying over from the west coast to have a milkshake at their stadium, is all I’m saying.

Good point. Chicago is a world-class city for sure, and our food is definitely something to fly in for.

[At this point, Sentient Campfire Milkshake started inching a little closer in a seductive scoot, so I quickly moved on.]

Anyway, will Tommy Pham be called up to the White Sox by the end of the month, per his demands?

What do you think?

[Sighs dejectedly.] Yes.

That’s right.

Has Steve Stone blocked you on Twitter yet?

I just made an account while we were sitting here and doing this interview, so yes, he has.

So, can I ... try you?

Try me?

Like, you know. You have to taste good, right? You’re a famous milkshake.

I am?!

At this point in the interview, it had become clear that Sentient Campfire Milkshake became self-aware, realizing it was an anthropomorphized dessert brought to life by the Lord of Levin. It tipped over and spilled everywhere, and at that same moment, security spotted me, so I bolted out of the park. Surely, it’s washed away with the rain at this point.

Still, thank you, Sentient Campfire Milkshake, whoever, and wherever you are.

Tune in for the White Sox doubleheader tomorrow for Jonathan Cannon’s first major league start at 1:10 p.m. CST — and try the milkshake.