ASK LOIS: My relatives want to visit me in South Florida. How do I say no?
Q: I am looking for some sage Jewish wisdom I might get from a grandmother or aunt. My family lives up North. My sister-in-law has been repeatedly suggesting how great it would be for her and my brother to visit me for a week. I don’t know what the fascination is. They both have the time and money to travel: France, Aruba, the Bahamas, the Caicos Islands.
If I didn’t live here, they would not have any interest in coming to South Florida. My gut tells me they are bored and are being nosy nellies, looking to snoop on me. I am a homebody with limited funds and my small apartment is a personal embarrassment. I don’t know of restaurants or sights to take them to. When I visit them (they are both lawyers), I am treated like a king. I cannot reciprocate in kind. My brother remains noncommittal about the whole idea.
We are on great terms and I have so far been able to put her off, but she keeps pressing. Any idea how to put her off in a nice way? — Mitch Sandler, Pompano Beach
A: To me, Mitch, this is a very South Florida problem. We are a national destination, especially in the winter, and anyone with snowbound friends or relatives is going to get the question at some point: “Can we come for a visit?”
Some of us are thrilled to host, but others cringe at the potential invasion of our personal space. Since you are seeking a Jewish perspective, here’s advice from two rabbis, who say you have to balance your family’s desire for connection with your need for privacy.
“Like you, our family members are spread far and wide,” said Rabbi Arnie Samlan of Davie. “What we have found helpful in our family is to set aside time for meaningful and fun discussions (we use Google video chat). … What you might suggest is that, rather than having an in-person trip at this time, your brother and sister-in-law schedule some virtual meet-ups to build the relationship and communication before an in-person experience.”
If you decide to proceed with a visit, he suggested helping your brother and his wife find a place to stay that’s not far from you.
“We recently hosted family by renting a home a mile from our house, giving us lots of together time, but also enough distance for everyone to have their space,” he said. “And we have done Passover in rental homes outside of any of our communities, bringing us together without the drama of worrying about whose homes or current towns are best suited.”
Rabbi Michael Gold of Temple Beth Shalom in Boca Raton agreed there are many ways to be an accommodating host without a stay in your apartment.
“Tell them you would love them to visit but you are limited in your ability to entertain them. Perhaps you can find a hotel nearby,” Gold said. “If you do not wish to feed them in your home, perhaps you can treat them to dinner in a restaurant within your price range. You are keeping the mitzvah of welcoming guests, an important Jewish value, without overextending yourself. They might have to find places on their own to visit. But I believe it is possible to be a gracious host while protecting yourself.”
I also asked a psychotherapist, Rebecca Klasfeld of Boca Raton, for her perspective.
“I believe there are two distinct issues here,” she said. “First, the issue of addressing your brother and sister-in-law. It is important to recognize that you can effectively communicate your message if you are careful with your delivery. I would begin by expressing excitement and gratitude for their interest in visiting and spending time together. I would acknowledge their desire to vacation in Florida and let them know that you’ve been thinking about their visit and want to ensure they have the best time possible.
“It is OK to share your perspective and explain that while you value their company, you acknowledge that you are not a great host and that your home may not be an ideal setting for a relaxing vacation,” she added. “You can offer them an alternative option of staying nearby or perhaps close to the beach, which could give them the opportunity to fully immerse themselves in a vacation experience. I would reaffirm your enthusiasm for their visit and desire to make sure they have a fantastic time. By approaching the situation with empathy and understanding, you can communicate your preferences while still maintaining a good relationship with your brother and sister-in-law.”
Klasfeld suggested you examine how you got to this point in your relationship with your family.
“The next issue that I would like to address is your assumption that their desire to visit you does not stem from a genuine desire to spend time together,” she said. “While it is natural at times to have feelings of insecurity and discomfort, it is important to explore the origins of these negative beliefs. I wonder if you would be willing to consider alternative explanations for their reasons for the visit and practice some self-compassion. If you could reflect on positive experiences you have had together and how they may contradict your negative beliefs, this trip could provide an opportunity for quality time with family.”
If your brother and sister-in-law end up coming, I would be glad to help you find things to do with them. Either way, handle the situation with love and tact, as we all agree that it’s essential to maintain family connections, however frayed they become as we get older.
Do your relatives come to visit in South Florida? How do you control the flow of guests? What rules do you set down? Send your stories to AskLois@sunsentinel.com and give us your own advice for Mitch’s predicament.